Daddyhunt Blog Posts from December 2008

Dear Kirk,

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 6 months and we’re talking about opening up the relationship so that we could have a three way.  We’re both a little jealous, but I’m more jealous than he is. I’m twenty years younger than him and the three way thing was his idea, which makes me wonder if he’s losing his attraction to me. I’m scared he’s going to be more attracted to some younger, hotter guy. Plus, we’re attracted to totally different guys. How could we possibly settle on a single guy? Do we take our ideal ages and average them together?

Do 3 Bees Make Sweeter Honey?

Dear Reluctant Swinger,

OK, I’m going to risk pissing off the entire gay movement here by saying that this whole business of marriage and monogamy is contrary to our nature. While being gay is genetic, having a single mate for the rest of your life, or even for a certain period of time, is a choice. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing to be monogamous. Monogamy can be a great way to bond with someone or a container wherein you can increase intimacy. I support monogamy when it’s a conscious choice, but I resist it when it’s the expected default setting.

We grow up surrounded by guilt and shame when we are attracted to people outside of a primary relationship. Read the book “The Myth of Monogamy” by Barash and Lipton for more on this. It talks about how the vast majority of insects and animals, including humans, are hardwired to seek out multiple partners over their lifetimes. They also pick apart the myth that women are wired for monogamy. Female birds seek the strongest sperm and DNA testing has shown evidence of ladybirds getting busy with lots of different boybirds! It’s our nature, especially as men, to hunt and play.

That said, opening yourself to the idea of an open relationship can be a slow, painful process. It’s broken up many couples, caused a lot of grief and insomnia. There have been lots of drunken screaming matches 
in the parking lots of suburban gay bars about this very issue. So you’re part of a long tradition of gay men figuring out how to have their cake and eat it, too. It’s possible!

Talk to each other about what makes you uneasy about an open relationship. Are you afraid of losing your man? Does it threaten you to see him turned on by someone else? Are you worried about STDs? Do you know any gay couples who have an open relationship? Could the four of you have dinner together and talk about how it’s worked for them? Lots of gay men set different ground rules that make them feel better about an open relationship. If you have a daddy/boy dynamic, maybe you save those words for each other. Here’s a strategy that sex workers sometimes use when they’re in a romantic relationship: maybe there are certain activities you save for one another (swallowing cum, snuggling, certain types of kink play). Sometimes having a rule, however minor, can make you feel more in control of the situation. Over time, you may simply grow more comfortable with the idea of sharing your man with the world.

As for being attracted to different types of guys and trying to find the perfect guy for both of you, I suggest two strategies. First, have more three-ways so that both of you get your buttons pushed. Try playing with someone who’s outside the normal type range for both of you! There’s usually no magic bullet for a couple with divergent tastes. Second, I don’t think it’s healthy to have a really narrow type in the long run, so I would suggest that each of you expand your sexual repertoire. I’ve had a pretty fairly specific sexual palette for much of my life, but over the years I’ve learned to appreciate a much broader range of guys. One way I’ve done this is to go to a bathhouse or sex club and take on all comers. I’ll walk around and play with anyone who initiates contact. So maybe I started out being drawn to older daddies with beards, but I’ve learned that I can also enjoy younger guys with smooth butts and guys my own age (for years, this was my biggest blind spot!).

One argument for an open relationship is that as you and your man play with different partners, your lovemaking skills will improve. Sex is a language. When you go to a foreign country, your fluency spikes dramatically when you talk to people with different dialects. One could argue that the more sex you guys have outside the relationship, the stronger you’ll be within the relationship. Another metaphor in favor of openness: lots of personal trainers suggest a variety of weightlifting machines for a single muscle group. Different machines, like different lovers, make you grow big and strong in surprising ways.

Of course, this will only work if you guys step up your communication. Have sit down conversations with each other while you’ve got time to talk. In other words, don’t blurt out your insecurities when you’re about to go into Costco. This is a good time for tons of reassurance and cuddling. An open relationship is an advanced kind of dynamic to navigate, so take care of each other and really listen. Don’t push each other into things you’re not comfortable with. Go slow. If you have successful three ways, your comfort level will increase. If you have a bad experience, you might retract. So take it easy and take time to debrief your threeway when it’s over. How did it go for each of you? What worked? What didn’t? What did you notice? What would you like to try next time?

Many gay men have sailed the sea of open relationships. We’re brave for doing it. As you open your relationship, bear in mind that you’re part of a community that has excelled in sexual exploration. You guys are the next Lewis and Clark.

Kirk Read can be contacted at kirk@daddyhunt.com and welcomes letters seeking advice for this blog.

Winter holidays invite us to gather with friends and family for unusually sumptuous meals. Even strict dieters can and should take holidays from eating "clean," bodybuilder lingo for maintaining a relatively low-fat, controlled-carbohydrate, nutritious diet. Some foods are good for your body, but some holiday foods are especially good for the soul. A single meal or day of meals alone need not derail a fitness program as long as you don’t let overindulgence become your regular dietary style after the holidays.

Mature men tend to put on more body fat more quickly than younger men, so overindulgence can produce undesired effects more quickly than when we were younger. The main two reasons are lower levels of activity and of testosterone. Assuming you don’t have a physical ailment or disability that prevents you from vigorous exercise, your activity level is largely a choice.

Some people "pay" for their overindulgence by feeling guilty. This can be an insidious, unconscious way to avoid doing anything really effective about getting back in shape. The unconscious dialogue goes like this: "If I feel guilty enough, I don't have to think about a diet or exercise."  Ditch the guilt and just return to healthier habits.

The components of physical fitness—maintaining a sensible, sustainable diet along with regular exercise—are well known and widely acknowledged by experts, yet people seem to be looking perpetually for some secret diet, supplement, or exercise that will strip off body fat with little or no effort. If it were really possible to gain six-pack abs by popping a pill, we would all look like the cast of the Spartan-fantasy movie "300."

The New Year presents a special opportunity to make or reaffirm your resolve to begin or jump-start a fitness program. Gym attendance tends to surge right after the holidays. But within three months I've seen my gym return to normal again, as less-committed new members start to slack off from their resolutions. Being aware of this tendency can help you get over that third-month hump. Also, remember to ease back into training, as even a couple of weeks off can be enough to require a period of adjustment before returning to pre-holiday levels of exertion.

Lower levels of testosterone present a different challenge, and it is normal for men over 40 to see their natural testosterone decrease gradually. Many doctors have an imperfect understanding of testosterone replacement therapy, and the normal level range for men is so wide as to be almost meaningless. Is your level normal for a man of 50 or for a man of 20? Would an optimal level be better than one that is merely average? Low normal levels may occur along with symptoms of hypogonadism, or testosterone deficiency, which can include loss of muscle mass, increase in body fat, low energy, decrease in mental clarity, and depression.  An endocrinologist or a doctor who specializes in anti-aging medicine may be better prepared to diagnose and treat hypogonadism than your standard internist. People living with HIV are especially prone to hypogonadism at any age, and regular diagnostic tests should include tests of testosterone levels periodically to monitor any changes.

These days testosterone replacement can be as simple as wearing a patch or rubbing a small packet of gel on some hairless part of your body once daily. Discuss these or other medical options with your doctor.

Although it may be tempting to hibernate during the winter, letting that holiday break from a healthy diet and exercise extend for weeks or months after the holiday lights and other decorations are put away, make an effort to renew your fitness resolve and get yourself eating right and exercising regularly. If you experience symptoms of low testosterone, inform your doctor and start treatment, if indicated. Your waistline will thank you for it.
 

Oh, Santa Daddy, Oh Santa Daddy
bring that white beard to me.
Let it brush upon my nipples, my armpits and my knees.

Santa Daddy, Oh, Santa Daddy
uncut, I’m sure, and hung.
I lie in bed and dream of you
your taste upon my tongue.

Oh, Santa Daddy, I know how naughty I have been.
These impure thoughts fill my nights
and are how my days begin.

It’s not the suit (entirely)
though I confess a fondness for red.
Not just the beard, nor jolly belly
that urge me to your bed.

I only know a kiss from you
is present all I need.
No toy, no candy necessary
just your breath to feed

and I will pass another year
knowing you have been near
my Santa Daddy, Oh Santa Daddy
I sleep with such visions dancing...

image from bigboytoons.com

Dear Kirk,

My husband and I are getting ready for another Christmas. We’ve been together 5 years and we’ve never had a good Christmas. He always gets depressed during the holidays thinking about his first lover, who died  in 1987 when I was in middle school. I feel like he hasn’t let go of  him. I grew up in a house where Christmas was a happy time. I want my husband to wear a Santa suit and get into the spirit of it all.

Dear Santa's Neglected Elf:

I’m sure your hubby would look hot in that Santa suit, but Christmas is a complicated time of year. The sunlight has disappeared and people are chemically depressed. It’s a good time to take an amino acid supplement to help your brain. Drink a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar each day to balance out all the holiday sugar. An 85 year-old friend taught me about vinegar. It works.

You and I are part of a younger generation who barely missed the ravages of the AIDS epidemic. We’ll never know what it was like to have a mysterious plague come in and wipe out loved ones. It was a holocaust. There are times I get overwhelmed by my partner’s nostalgia and memories. But I’d much prefer that he keep these loved ones alive in his heart – he’s a deeper and kinder man because of the epidemic.

It actually makes sense to be reflective during the holidays. There’s a somber quality to most winter traditions, whether it’s the Christian story of a poor pregnant woman being turned away from inns or the Pagans yearning for the return of the sun. As much as you can, allow your husband this time to remember his partner and friends. Is there a way you could build that into some new traditions you make together?

In my household, the roles are reversed. I lost my father around this time of year when I was 18 years old and have some religious scars from growing up in Virginia. I’ve never been much for Christmas. All month, I walk around wanting to kill people with their Christmas sweaters and their office parties. My partner, who buried many friends, adores Christmas. After seven years with no holiday decorations, I suggested we get a tree. He was delighted. We decorated it with ornaments he’d saved over the years, many of which he inherited from dead friends. Then we went through our junk drawers and hung a lot of knick-knacks on the tree. I added some glittery balls from the drugstore that have no history whatsoever.

A yule tree can hold sadness. We have animal bones and pictures of the dead on our tree. We also have a disco ball, Tibetan prayer flags and a naked Barbie doll.  Allow your partner his darkness and allow yourself to feel joy. Mix it up.

Something that helped my partner and me was to spend a Christmas in Oaxaca, Mexico. Mexican culture, because of its pagan roots, has a level of comfort around remembering ancestors during celebrations. We marched in the town’s posada. People made altars out of radishes and corn. There was a creative spirit that hadn’t been ruined by plastic snowflakes and compulsive gift-giving. It was fun and reverent at the same time.

I wonder if your older husband’s sadness is unnerving for you. It can be scary to see your daddy troubled by emotional or physical pain. We fantasize that our men are tougher than we are. They became men by taking care of their comrades. We become men, in turn, by loving the ones who remain.

Kirk Read can be contacted at kirk@daddyhunt.com and welcomes letters seeking advice for this blog.