Men all over the world sooner or later confront notions of what it means to be a ”real man” and inevitably compare themselves to some ideal(s) constructed by the societies in which they live. Although different societies sometimes hold up seemingly contradictory ideals of manhood, Mahatma Gandhi in India versus Rambo in the United States, to cite extreme examples, we tend to accept our own society's ideal as normal unless our understanding gets broadened by exposure to other ideals that seem to resonate better with our inner experience.

Gay men everywhere tend to find ourselves excluded to one degree or another from inclusion in the category of “real men” because of our same-sex attraction and because many societies view gay men as effeminate (like a woman).  For a man to be like a woman means he is not, in some sense, fully a real man.

The late Harry Hay, arguably the father of gay liberation, inspired by examples of “third-gender” or “two-spirit” concepts he encountered in some Native American cultures, developed a theory of gay identity apart from the prevailing notions of male versus female prevalent in non-gay society. Hay believed that most gay men learn to imitate gender-polarized, heterosexual norms of male/female as a way to survive in homophobic societies and that this imitation distorts their authentic gay identities. He theorized that if gay men could get away from heterosexuals completely, preferably in natural settings, their authentic gay natures would manifest with a little encouragement.  The Radical Faerie movement came into being to test and develop Hay's theories.

Hay broke down the different ways of being as “subject-object consciousness” (heterosexual) vs. “subject-subject consciousness,” (homosexual).

When I was half my current age, say 25, my beard was mostly dark brown with black and freak red and blonde hairs thrown in. Nowadays, pushing 50, my beard color runs what I call the full spectrum of gray — from dark brown to blonde and frosty red to silvery white, more dark hair than light still, in a facial hair pattern that some call a vanDude, with sideburns cut on the diagonal.

Let’s call it a van Dyke. Goatee works too. It’s thick along my chin in the places it’s not shaved, as of this writing about an inch long off the chin. Nowadays I don’t shave but every few days though I sometimes go for weeks without trimming anything. I enjoy being scruffy, and it’s a sexy look, but I still shave and trim my facial hair, though my work doesn’t require it, for various personal reasons.

The main reason I shave the sides of my chin is to keep the two sides symmetrical. I have a smooth triangular patch along my left jawline where hair won’t ever grow back. The hair follicles were burned out from radiation treatment for cancer five years ago, and the skin is bare but clean and healthy. I miss growing a full beard but I gratefully sacrificed it for being cancer-free.

So the vanDude style suits me, because I can shave enough of the right side of my face to even it out, and the section on my left side that doesn’t even need shaving also saves time and Barbasol shave cream.

Still, there’s fine, short hair peppered across my entire lower face, between and below my eyes, ears, nose. It’s all draining south from the crown of my head, down to my Adam’s apple, down my nape, across the shoulders, and down the back to my ass. Pretty much wall-to-wall carpeting.

President Abe “Log-splitter” Lincoln, who shared a bed with Joshua Speed for five years, was asked, “How long should a man’s legs be?” and replied, “Long enough to reach the ground.” A 1960s-era party joke riffed on that: “How large should a man's erect penis be?” to which the answer was, “Long enough to reach the ground.”

So let’s ask in all honesty: What size dick is big enough for you? Are you satisfied with your size? Why or why not? Do you have a different standard for the men you have sex with than for yourself?

Don’t tell me you never think or talk about these things. The obsession with dick size is infused in gay/bi men’s lingo (“size queen”) and omnipresent in queer men’s culture. Gay and especially bisexual men are stereotyped as oversexed — that is, as always wanting sex — but along with this common misconception is the idea that they’re also all well hung.

A  recent vodka ad run on the back cover of several gay men’s mags displays a metal ruler with each inch mark marked 8. Their press release stated that the display ad takes “a humorous look at gay men and their fascination with perfect, eight-inch ‘member’ measurements.”

Of course, if eight inches is considered the perfect cock size, more than 90% of all men fall short of the mark. That’s an expectation that is bound to fail.

As it turns out, defining “Daddy-ness” isn’t any easier than explaining “Bear-ness.” But we all know what our own Dad looks like, right? Older, mature, masculine. Facial hair, bald/ing or shaved head, maybe. Gray/ing hair. Paunchy or stout or muscular, hairy in all the right places. But WTF?! — isn’t that the description for Bear? Didn't Daddy magazine start around the same time as Bear mag anyways? These masculine identity/marketing shifts get confusing sometimes …

I was maybe 33 years old when I realized I was rapidly becoming a Daddy. My beard always made me look older, but I always went for older men. Once I was topping a man ten years older who started calling me Daddy. “Daddy-who? Me?” He responded so strongly when I called him “boy” that I knew he wanted me to teach him to be Daddy’s good boy. Being Daddy in bed was definitely a hot and safer experience, and I wanted more.

I did a self-assessment while contemplating the experience of being called Daddy during the rest of my thirties. True, I had grown some gray hairs in my medium-brown beard. Sure, my head hair was thinning and my chest hair was thickening. Hair sprouted on my ears, shoulders, upper back, and ass. It dawned on me that I was now old enough to be perceived as someone’s daddy, even though I was well aware that technically I was capable of fathering children.

After Christopher's death, Don Bachardy took the experience he learned from their 33 years together and dated a younger man. He says playing the role of the older partner helped him understand Chris even better.

Hi Guys, I'm a San Francisco Bay Area local who wears many hats in my pursuit to improve, educate and promote gay men's health and sex. Some of my activities include being a writer, educator, trainer and even a sex and fetish mentor when the occasion arises. But my focus is almost always on improving sexual expression in all forms. I've worked on workshops on a wide range of topics including SM/fetish burnout to substance use and recovery to watersports and enema play.

A big part of my national and international work is presenting workshops on the importance of more and better information on improving sexuality, risk reduction, and HIV education. I have specialized in customized programs dealing with SM relationships, theory, and techniques to men and women one-on-one, in couples, and in groups.

Look for my articles to cover a wide range of sexual topics. Shedding light on topics like intimacy, breaking taboos and fear, boundaries, communication, fetishes, dating, sex parties, and monogamy. My BDSM specialties include cutting, edge play, temporary and permanent piercing and breaking taboos.

Some of my past achievements include stints as Coordinating Editor for Boston's Gay Community News, former Associate Publisher for Bear and Powerplay Magazines, former Director of Marketing for Drummer Magazine and Desmodus Publications, and Sex Educator for the Harvey Milk Institute and the Learning Annex. I aim for education and growth for all, regardless of how one likes sex.

I can be reached via my website www.mentorsf.com or at Frank@daddyhunt.com.

I admit it, I’m queer. Gay. Bi. Homo. I’ve been all those and much more. I’ve even been happily, non-masturbatorily celibate for a year in my early twenties. But for just over four years now (our anniversary was October 10), I’ve been in a gay marriage. Queer marriage. Bi/gay marriage. Same-sex marriage.

Whatever you call it, I’m proud to admit that my marriage is by most standards unconventional. Two professional middle-aged Daddybears with two geriatric mutts who live in a house on a corner. We pay taxes, we volunteer, we always vote, we’re good neighbors. We were born in this country, and lived here all our lives.

So, other than the fact that we’re both dudes, in all other ways our married life is conventional. But our unconventionality is no reason my spouse and I should be denied the same civil marriage rights granted to the unmarried cross-sex couple who live next door. Why are they considered more worthy of civil marriage rights than our family?

As my husbear and I have been learning for nearly four years now, married life in a same-sex relationship is amazingly fulfilling.

Had it been possible 30 years ago that I could marry the man of my dreams, I would have. But many of us thought that, since gay/bi men were supposed to act like mansluts and fuck multiple partners, why would we want to settle down and get married?

So because society tells us that we’re innately incapable of creating loving families, we buy the lie. This “conventional wisdom” is circular logic: gay people are promiscuous (have multiple partners) because they can’t get legally married, and at the same time they’re denied the full status of civil marriage because society considers them promiscuous.

Allen Silver Talks About How His Self-Perception Changed After 40.

Intergenerational couple Robert Feldman and Chris Lee talk about meeting on Daddyhunt. It's the story of a young man, a sexy daddy and how perseverance pays off.

Armistead talks about how his younger lover has made him appreciate his own daddy-body more than ever.