Dear Kirk,

I am having trouble being on the internet too much. At first I got online because it made me feel less isolated, but now I feel like I’m online for hours. It’s actually become more isolating for me. I can spend hours not doing much, just going between websites and cruising for sex. I don’t think I’m a sex addict because I’m not even having that much sex. I do a lot of checking email, shopping, looking at a hand full of websites. Sometimes I don’t leave the house for days on end because I’m lost in cyberspace. What can I do?

— Lost in Cyberspace

There’s a great song by Le Tigre called “Get Off the Internet.” The lyrics go “It feels so 80s or early 90s / to be political / where are my friends?” A lot of those friends are trying to figure out how to integrate the new technology into our lives in a way that balances face to face interaction, exercise, sex in three dimensions and our creative practices. Everywhere you look, people are displaying obsessive compulsive behaviors — clicking on “Get Mail” hundreds of times in the space of an hour, looking at their phones, standing in the middle of Safeway scrolling around on their iPhones. We’re definitely in a period of transition.

I just read an interesting book called “Against the Machine,” by Lee Siegel. He talks about how the internet has been heralded as a totally democratic space where everyone has a voice, how it’s revolutionary. His premise is that it CAN be revolutionary and democratic, but that at its core, the internet is a technological tool designed to make us rabid consumers and more efficient workers. It’s a compelling argument. He doesn’t think we should go back to stone ovens and sundials but does encourage us to think in more complicated ways about the internet and its impact on our lives.

Dear Kirk,
I have been dating an HIV+ man for about 2 months. We've had sex twice and the sex was great. Careful always, and  I've never found putting on a condom so erotic. He really knows how to make it sexy.  What I want to know is, I love to rim. This man has a GORGEOUS, hairy ass, and all I can think about is burying my face in it. How dangerous is this, and is there any way to do it safely? I'd like to know if it's considered low risk, high risk, or whatever, but I'd really also like to know if it CAN be done safely. I've heard that Saran Wrap, or something like it, can be used, but are these water soluble, or permeable, or whatever they call it. Please let me know, because I'm SO HUNGRY!!!

Dear Hungry Jack,

What’s more primal than sticking your nose up a guy’s butt? We really ARE dogs.

I’m not a doctor, but I spent a number of years as an HIV/STD test counselor in a small community-based clinic for sex workers. When you get safer sex information, you have to consider the source. Whether you’re shopping for a flat screen TV or learning about syphilis, I think it’s always good to gather information from multiple sources, then use your own judgment to determine what makes sense to you. In counseling sessions, I have spent a lot of time talking terrified people down from trees. Public health agencies have done such a good job scaring the hell out of us that many people have received simplistic and incorrect information about STD and HIV risk. By lumping everything together (oral sex, rimming, anal sex, water sports) and not giving people very specific knowledge about what is risky and what isn’t, I think that many safer sex campaigns have actually harmed the larger effort to keep people safe.

I saw a photo of a particularly attractive young man on a gay dating site, and I sent him a brief message saying I found his photos attractive and his profile appealing. He responded in a polite, friendly manner, and after some exchanged messages, he agreed to join me for dinner. Before we hung up he informed me that I am “much too old” for him to consider dating me, but he was interested in me for other reasons. When he arrived we discovered that we share the same alma mater, although he had only just graduated from UC Berkeley, and I graduated in 1975, several years before he was born as it happened, and we also had other common interests. After some polite conversation I felt obligated to inform the youngster that men my age (55) don't consider themselves much too old for anything.  He barely remembered the remark he had made on the phone and seemed embarrassed to have it repeated while sitting in my presence, and I gently told him that I was not much offended, and that young men frequently say insensitive things without even realizing they might be giving offense.

Let’s face it, sometimes we all put our “foot in it” and say the wrong thing. But the real skill I figured out is how to recognize what was said and then work to reduce the times we say it…

A pal of mine and I were grabbing coffee the other day and we brainstormed our top 10 – communication pitfalls.

Dear Kirk,

Years ago I suffered from a extremely severe hereditary case of acne (almost all my family members have suffered it). Fortunately and after many years I took control of this but still have terrible scars on part of my back and chest and ironically not on my face. In order to boost up my confidence I started to work out, now I'm athletic and in excellent shape but I've grown very conscious of these scars. I'm very clean and always groomed and have an excellent appearance till I have to take my shirt off and show my scars. What I usually do when I hook up is just turn off the lights but there are cases where this is impossible. And sometimes I have to give explanations of why I have these scars. I've been celibate the past few months because I feel embarrassed about this.

I'm sorry you had acne – it can really do a number on your self-image. I had it all over my back as a teenager and felt like a total leper.

There are plenty of guys who think scars are sexy. Acne is one of those experiences that many of us have endured, or at least we had friends in high school who went through it. So I'm sure lots of guys understand. When you have sex with guys with scars from burns or surgeries or self-inflicted wounds, it's difficult sometimes to know what to do. Do you risk making your partner self-conscious by asking him to tell you the story of that part of his body? Do you ignore it? I find myself intrigued, even turned on, by scars.

There are many different kinds of love and many different ways to say “I LOVE YOU”.  But in my experience in relationships I’ve learned that it’s important to say what you mean and mean what you say.  Especially when it comes to the “L” word.

Love may be universal but how and when we feel love is entirely individual and personal. Some people are so in touch with their feelings of love (for themselves, for Mother Earth, for the checkout boy at Safeway) that they experience love on a daily basis. Others can only feel love in rare, fleeting moments. There is no right or wrong way of feeling love. But one thing is certain: you either feel it or you don’t.

So I try my best to never say “I love you” to a partner, boyfriend or trick unless I really feel it, in that moment. But when I do feel it and am aware of it, I also make a point to share it with the object of my affection (even if he is miles away).

And I never expect him to say “I love you” back.

Because “I. Love. You.” Is all about ME.

In fact, there’s nothing in these three magic words that refers to the feelings of the other person.

And as much as I may want to hear him say “I love you” back, I’ve learned that it’s neither fair (nor realistic) to expect him to feel towards me exactly as I feel towards him in exactly the very same moment.  Love is a powerful thing. It’s great when it is shared. But I want authentic love, not strategic declarations of love.  And I’m old enough to know the difference.

Dear Kirk,

So, we connected on the internet and decided to meet for drinks. Fifteen minutes after meeting (well, it really only took about 5) I realized this guy was not someone that I was interested in AT ALL! Truthfully, I was flattered when he emailed and I found out he was fifteen years younger than I am. Trying to keep a conversation going with someone whose only interests are going to Renaissance fairs, playing video games, and watching reruns of old TV shows on the Sci-Fi channel was difficult, to say the least. Especially since he never asked me one question about myself. I couldn’t call him to say I wasn’t interested because we didn’t exchange phone numbers. So, the next morning I sent a short email that I had enjoyed meeting him but didn't feel a connection and didn't think we had anything in common. Well, I got a diatribe back stating that you can't judge anyone on one conversation. So, what did I do that was so wrong?

Just Not That Into Him

Dear JNTIH:

I think you did your duty here. There are lots of guys who wouldn’t have contacted him at all, so I appreciate that you were honest with him. More and more, I find, people are using the internet to simply ignore one another. Especially with Valentine’s Day approaching, where people are looking for someone to love, it’s a good time to sharpen your dating game!

Dear Kirk,

I’m an older, average-looking bear who’s attracted to young, beautiful muscle studs. I haven’t had sex in a long time, because there just aren’t any guys that turn me on that are into me. I wish my standards weren’t so high, but I just can’t bring myself to be more attracted to other types of men. I had a sweet, decent looking skinny young guy come onto me recently and I really wanted to try and pick him up, but I was afraid that it just wouldn’t work for me. How can I open up my attraction to younger men that are just average, like me?

Dear Average Joe,

You have the kind of cooties that a lot of people have. Not just gay men, either. Tons of people are fixated on unrealistic standards of beauty. You’re not alone in this. There’s no harm in being attracted to muscled young hunks, but if it’s to the exclusion of everyone else, you’re writing yourself a prescription for misery.

I think we are disturbing our capacity for sexual attraction by constantly immersing ourselves in porn that features only guys with the kinds of bodies that we find exhilarating. Whether our trip is hairy bodies, masculine guys, muscle guys, skinny twinks, blondes, Asian men, African American men, Latino men…it’s great to have things we like. It’s not so great to be confined by our narrow checklists.

You say you haven’t had sex in a while because you can’t find a guy you’re attracted to who fits your standards. You have some choices. You can wait it out, seeing if you can find someone who will come along who fits your criteria and is also attracted to you. Darwin would probably argue that you need to adapt to your situation. It’s wishful thinking that there’s going to be a stream of beautiful young muscle studs who have no hangups about having sex with you. If you have strict standards, these younger guys who spend lots of time working on their bodies are likely to have some of their own.

You could hire an escort who conforms to your standards. You could hire an escort who’s outside your normal range of attraction and, if he’s intuitive and smart, he might be able to help you work through some of these issues.

Dear Kirk,

While I have enjoyed many wonderful encounters from this and related sites, ones that cater to an older/younger audience, I sometimes feel that I am either misleading or dishonest.  Recently, I met a young man and we began an email conversation.  He always referred to me in his mail as "sexy daddy" and we ultimately met.  Now, I realize he only wanted a "daddy" type for play, nothing more and I can deal with that. Yet, I find I am not comfortable with the daddy label for myself even if it accurately describes who I am, especially in the eyes of the young.

I have many friends in long term relationships who are of the older/younger milieu and who are completely happy together.  When I am around them, I sense how right they are for each other even when separated in age by 30 years or more.  Nevertheless, I so often feel that I am not a real person in their eyes but one they have conjured up that suits their fantasies.   In short, I don't need to be real---just OLD

I understand the attraction, the chemistry aspects of any sexual allure, and my fondness for younger guys never wavers.  I would appreciate your thoughts and any suggestions of how I may alter my profile to be more accurate about my tastes.  I tend to have a way with words---perhaps all the wrong ones!

Dear Uncomfortable Daddy,

Thanks for your astute and honest letter. Intergenerational dynamics are indeed complicated. Roles like daddy/boy, master/sub and man/puppy only scratch the surface. And there are lots of guys attracted to intergenerational mates who have no interest in any of these roles.  There are lots of guys who have no interest in taking on family roles;  there are guys who have no interest in being dominant or submissive. Some of us just like guys who are older or younger.