This blog post is about how to meet a single guy for dating, courtship and a long term partnership. Though hooking up with guys can be fun and exciting I’m in the “how to” find a Boyfriend/Soulmate/Partner/Spouse/Husband/ trade-- the love business, so to speak.

Four myths of dating.

First: “All the good guys are taken.” What a bummer this one is—I can assure you that not all the good guys are taken and in fact there is a great pool of adorable, smart men waiting to meet their future mate. Some of them are reading this post right now.

Dear Kirk,

My Name is Larry and I'm 19. I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now and he is 37. Like most relationships we've had our ups and downs. We've argued and we've made up. He can be really sweet sometimes, leaving me little notes everywhere...he likes to surprise me with little gifts, no matter how small. But he also can be a complete ass. He has this amazing gift of saying the wrong thing at the absolute worst time for it. Like "I don't understand why you're stressing over exams...they're not important."

I've also just realized how controlling he is, when he'd ask me every day to go upstairs and get his laptop for him, or get him a drink etc. If i ask anything of him he tells me to "get it myself and stop being so lazy.”

We'll be in bed, having a nice hug when he grabs my cock. So I'm guessing it wouldn't be wrong for me to assume he wants sex. So I try and start something and he slaps my hand away and tells me to go to sleep, leaving me with a huge hard-on and a damaged ego. He does this a lot. He'll grab my nipples because he knows it gets me hard...then if I try and start anything he'll slap my hand away and say later. We hardly ever have sex and sometimes it's months before I get any.

I have worked as a mental health counselor for gay men for 24 years both in private practice and in public clinical settings. For the past twelve years I have offered pastoral counseling as part of my role as spiritual director of Ashram West, a gay spiritual community based in traditional Hindu Tantra. What follows is a distillation of decades of experience both personal and professional, during which time I have corresponded with gay men all over the world from whom I have heard essentially the same lament expressed in numerous variations: Why can’t I find a man serious about forming an intimate relationship? I write this with the full understanding that casual sex has been and continues to be a norm in gay society, so I expect some readers will disagree with my characterization of casual sex as a curse. I admit I have participated in this aspect of our gay culture from my very first sexual experience 34 years ago, though always with reservations, if not always with restraint.  I believe my considerable experience over the past decades qualifies me to share my observations and judgments about what I have found to be the net negative aspects of casual sex despite the inherent pleasures of sex, about which there is nearly universal agreement. I ask only that the reader consider my points carefully before forming any conclusions.

Hey Guys

Every year in April, we recognize STD awareness month. In San Francisco we hold community screenings as well as do local presentations on the prevention and treatment of STDs. But as we wrap up the month, I want to remind you guys that STD awareness should be a part of routine sexual health year round. So here are some thoughts and tips on STDs that I find useful.

STDs: The gifts that keep on giving.

Make sure you don’t get a one gift that you can’t casually get rid of as the months change. Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) are on the increase. So, when you are thinking about keeping yourself and your partner safe always remember to include BOTH HIV and STD in your thoughts.

Some common STD’s  include: Chancroid, Chlamydia, Cytomegalovirus (CMV), Genital Warts, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis, Herpes, HIV, Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), Syphilis, Molluscum Contagiosum, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, Pubic Lice, Scabies, Trichomoniasis, Urinary Tract Infections.

STD WATCH!
Signs to look out for:

Dear Kirk,

Years ago I suffered from a extremely severe hereditary case of acne (almost all my family members have suffered it). Fortunately and after many years I took control of this but still have terrible scars on part of my back and chest and ironically not on my face. In order to boost up my confidence I started to work out, now I'm athletic and in excellent shape but I've grown very conscious of these scars. I'm very clean and always groomed and have an excellent appearance till I have to take my shirt off and show my scars. What I usually do when I hook up is just turn off the lights but there are cases where this is impossible. And sometimes I have to give explanations of why I have these scars. I've been celibate the past few months because I feel embarrassed about this.

I'm sorry you had acne – it can really do a number on your self-image. I had it all over my back as a teenager and felt like a total leper.

There are plenty of guys who think scars are sexy. Acne is one of those experiences that many of us have endured, or at least we had friends in high school who went through it. So I'm sure lots of guys understand. When you have sex with guys with scars from burns or surgeries or self-inflicted wounds, it's difficult sometimes to know what to do. Do you risk making your partner self-conscious by asking him to tell you the story of that part of his body? Do you ignore it? I find myself intrigued, even turned on, by scars.

Every so often I think about sexual health and how, as gay men, we have become so focused on STDs that we forget that as we age other things happen to our bodies, and specifically our dicks, unrelated to STDs.

A few that I’ve spent some time looking into recently are Peyronie's disease and Priapism, both of which affect our dicks and can be a rather uncomfortable and perhaps embarrassing conditions. Yet I rarely hear about them, so until I started reading up on it at the request of a pal I was pretty much in the dark as well.

Since I’m not a medically trained professional, I certainly can’t diagnose and these are just my personal thoughts  but I figured I’d share some highlights that I found and a few links to that I thought useful.

Peyronie's disease

Peyronie's is essentially a tissue condition that involves an abnormal curve upwards in the penis. Now, before you all start looking at your dicks, many of us have some slight curve in one direction or the other as a normal condition. What is distinguishing for Peyronie’s is that it can cause pain, and an extreme abnormal curve when erect. In some cases a shortening of the length can occur. During the early stages of Peyronie's, pain is often reported, some erectile dysfunction can occur as well. For most men, the ability to have sex can be maintained with Peyronie's.

Unfortunately, not a lot is known about its causes, but it seems to occur after an injury to the penis, often times during sexual intercourse…ouch!.. and many of us know that rare time when during insertion, we aim wrong or bang-n-bend ourselves when a particularly aggressive man is bouncing on our dick.

As for treatment, some medications have been studied with various results as well as a surgery option for extreme cases.

Dear Kirk,

I’m an older, average-looking bear who’s attracted to young, beautiful muscle studs. I haven’t had sex in a long time, because there just aren’t any guys that turn me on that are into me. I wish my standards weren’t so high, but I just can’t bring myself to be more attracted to other types of men. I had a sweet, decent looking skinny young guy come onto me recently and I really wanted to try and pick him up, but I was afraid that it just wouldn’t work for me. How can I open up my attraction to younger men that are just average, like me?

Dear Average Joe,

You have the kind of cooties that a lot of people have. Not just gay men, either. Tons of people are fixated on unrealistic standards of beauty. You’re not alone in this. There’s no harm in being attracted to muscled young hunks, but if it’s to the exclusion of everyone else, you’re writing yourself a prescription for misery.

I think we are disturbing our capacity for sexual attraction by constantly immersing ourselves in porn that features only guys with the kinds of bodies that we find exhilarating. Whether our trip is hairy bodies, masculine guys, muscle guys, skinny twinks, blondes, Asian men, African American men, Latino men…it’s great to have things we like. It’s not so great to be confined by our narrow checklists.

You say you haven’t had sex in a while because you can’t find a guy you’re attracted to who fits your standards. You have some choices. You can wait it out, seeing if you can find someone who will come along who fits your criteria and is also attracted to you. Darwin would probably argue that you need to adapt to your situation. It’s wishful thinking that there’s going to be a stream of beautiful young muscle studs who have no hangups about having sex with you. If you have strict standards, these younger guys who spend lots of time working on their bodies are likely to have some of their own.

You could hire an escort who conforms to your standards. You could hire an escort who’s outside your normal range of attraction and, if he’s intuitive and smart, he might be able to help you work through some of these issues.

Dear Kirk,

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 6 months and we’re talking about opening up the relationship so that we could have a three way.  We’re both a little jealous, but I’m more jealous than he is. I’m twenty years younger than him and the three way thing was his idea, which makes me wonder if he’s losing his attraction to me. I’m scared he’s going to be more attracted to some younger, hotter guy. Plus, we’re attracted to totally different guys. How could we possibly settle on a single guy? Do we take our ideal ages and average them together?

Do 3 Bees Make Sweeter Honey?

Dear Reluctant Swinger,

OK, I’m going to risk pissing off the entire gay movement here by saying that this whole business of marriage and monogamy is contrary to our nature. While being gay is genetic, having a single mate for the rest of your life, or even for a certain period of time, is a choice. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing to be monogamous. Monogamy can be a great way to bond with someone or a container wherein you can increase intimacy. I support monogamy when it’s a conscious choice, but I resist it when it’s the expected default setting.

Editor's Note: The gifts are all open, and maybe a few of them are a little naughty.  Now what?  He're are 10 tips to better sex starting today and for the new year.

Ok – we all know that sex is a normal and natural part of who we are... or at least we should know that. Here are my top 10 tips to keep sex fun as we start a new year!

1)    Know what you want!  If you want “warm fuzzies” and someone to wake with up in the a.m., then cruising the internet or your local sex club might not be the right place. On the other hand, if all you want is to have some hot sweaty sex – get yourself to the place that best fits your cruising style.

2)    Reread and rewrite that profile. Most of us forget to review and update our profiles. Shake it up. Look for boring language.  Stuck for an idea? Ask a sex buddy or pal to offer a few suggestions.

3)    Ask for what you want! Figure out what kind of sex is turning you on today.

4)    Read a dirty story together or rent a video by a new producer.

5)    Expand your horizons; get creative with where and when you have sex. It doesn’t always have to be after hours. Try some “Love In the Afternoon” or before breakfast.

6)     Single? Take control and buy yourself one of my favorite toys, the Fleshlight (Right: "Fleshlight Original Butt" shown). This soft, pliable and very doable “sleeve” sits in a plastic holder and slips snugly on your member. Stroke it slow or fast. It’s got remarkable sensation and easy to clean afterwards. Step it up a notch and ask a pal (or two) to help you with it.

7)    Get your camera out! Gone are the days when we had to depend on others to develop our images. Get out that tripod (or a bean bag to rest it on) and check out the extra features your digital camera has. Many of them come with the ability to film mini movies that are easy to transfer to a computer. Read the instructions and find out how to use the delay feature, to catch you at your finest in a solo moment! The nice thing about digital cameras, is if you don’t like what you shot, delete and try again.