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Lost in Cyberspace
June 17, 2009
Comments: 43

Dear Kirk,

I am having trouble being on the internet too much. At first I got online because it made me feel less isolated, but now I feel like I’m online for hours. It’s actually become more isolating for me. I can spend hours not doing much, just going between websites and cruising for sex. I don’t think I’m a sex addict because I’m not even having that much sex. I do a lot of checking email, shopping, looking at a hand full of websites. Sometimes I don’t leave the house for days on end because I’m lost in cyberspace. What can I do?

— Lost in Cyberspace

There’s a great song by Le Tigre called “Get Off the Internet.” The lyrics go “It feels so 80s or early 90s / to be political / where are my friends?” A lot of those friends are trying to figure out how to integrate the new technology into our lives in a way that balances face to face interaction, exercise, sex in three dimensions and our creative practices. Everywhere you look, people are displaying obsessive compulsive behaviors — clicking on “Get Mail” hundreds of times in the space of an hour, looking at their phones, standing in the middle of Safeway scrolling around on their iPhones. We’re definitely in a period of transition.

I just read an interesting book called “Against the Machine,” by Lee Siegel. He talks about how the internet has been heralded as a totally democratic space where everyone has a voice, how it’s revolutionary. His premise is that it CAN be revolutionary and democratic, but that at its core, the internet is a technological tool designed to make us rabid consumers and more efficient workers. It’s a compelling argument. He doesn’t think we should go back to stone ovens and sundials but does encourage us to think in more complicated ways about the internet and its impact on our lives.

Internet addiction is like food or sex addiction in that there’s nothing inherently wrong with using the internet. It’s our relationship to it that needs attention. Here are some things to try if you feel like you’re a slave to your devices.

If you feel like it’s becoming a problem, there are some small steps you can take as a remedy. If you are compulsively checking your cell phone to see what time it is, try wearing a wristwatch. Try leaving the house occasionally without your phone. See how it feels to be unreachable. What sorts of thoughts do you have when you aren’t interrupted? Try checking your email at certain times each day — what would it be like to wait until noon to go online? What about checking twice a day? Many people would say “I use email for work, so I have to be online all day long.” Are there other ways that you can be mindful of your internet use?

What about one day a week where you have a day of fasting from the internet?

For gay men in particular, the way we find sexual partners has radically shifted thanks to the internet. For some people, it’s a relief to not have to navigate bars and sex clubs. And while that can be true, some people feel like they’re missing out on human contact by not meeting people in real time. It allows us to screen out anyone who doesn’t fit into our specific demographics of who we’re attracted to. It’s a lot like, well, shopping.

Recently I had a potluck dinner at my house where 12 people took turns talking about technology and how they used it. We discussed cell phones, blackberries, iPhones and computers. The point wasn’t to make anyone feel like they had a problem, rather to hear how people were doing. It was really helpful to hear different coping strategies and levels of comfort.

One place to start is to do an inventory of your tech usage. Look at your cell phone bill to see how many calls you make. Try keeping a pad next to your computer so you can keep track of when you’re online. Make a hash mark each time you check for new email. This can be a really scary thing to do, but it will help you get a sense of how much these devices are playing a role in your life.

Maybe it’s not a problem for you. People have different levels of tolerance for using the internet. Maybe you feel anxious and sleepless because you surf online right before you go to bed. It’s going to be different for everyone.

If you feel curious about this, keeping a diary about it is a great tool for examination. It’s sort of like when you go to an allergist and they ask you to keep a food diary. You may not even realize what you’re eating or how often. It’s easy to lose track of how much we’re online or how many times we play with our phones. So try paying more attention to that.

For Mac users, there’s a free program called “Freedom,” that disables your internet access for 8 hours, or until you restart your computer. It creates an extra step. For Windows users, there are also similar free applications.

See how it goes, and if you find a surefire way to stay off facebook, please let me know.

The Curse of Casual Sex
June 1, 2009
Comments: 171

I have worked as a mental health counselor for gay men for 24 years both in private practice and in public clinical settings. For the past twelve years I have offered pastoral counseling as part of my role as spiritual director of Ashram West, a gay spiritual community based in traditional Hindu Tantra. What follows is a distillation of decades of experience both personal and professional, during which time I have corresponded with gay men all over the world from whom I have heard essentially the same lament expressed in numerous variations: Why can’t I find a man serious about forming an intimate relationship? I write this with the full understanding that casual sex has been and continues to be a norm in gay society, so I expect some readers will disagree with my characterization of casual sex as a curse. I admit I have participated in this aspect of our gay culture from my very first sexual experience 34 years ago, though always with reservations, if not always with restraint.  I believe my considerable experience over the past decades qualifies me to share my observations and judgments about what I have found to be the net negative aspects of casual sex despite the inherent pleasures of sex, about which there is nearly universal agreement. I ask only that the reader consider my points carefully before forming any conclusions.

First off, I think that sex, which is an inherently intimate act, can never be entirely casual. By this I mean that sex involves a comingling of physical, emotional, and possibly even spiritual elements that carries consequences for everyone involved far beyond the encounter itself. At the physical level, unless one avoids any contact with bodily fluids, there is always the possibility of transmission of disease, whether relatively mild, as in the case of a cold or mild flu, relatively serious, as in the case of HIV, syphilis, or gonorrhea, or chronic and incurable, as in the case of herpes, hepatitis, and HIV. It is all too easy in moments of intense, mutual attraction, especially if one is impaired by alcohol or other drugs, to simply ignore potential risks and go for the immediate pleasure and hope for the best.  Having experienced health consequences in all three of the above categories, I can testify to the lasting effects of sexual encounters I considered casual at the time. My curse is taking handfuls of pills daily to stay alive and relatively healthy with some unpleasant side effects, though I’m happy to have the pills, as not having them was far worse. I don’t expect this information will change anyone’s behavior, since more than two decades of HIV/STD education have mostly failed to prevent many gay men from taking risks in order to experience fleeting pleasures. But I do use this information to challenge the notion that sex can ever be considered casual, any more than playing Russian roulette with a loaded pistol can be considered a casual sport.

Although sexual sharing clearly need not flow from love—indeed, it can just as easily be motivated by hatred or the desire to feel powerful or attractive—it is only through an act of deadening oneself to one’s feelings to some degree that one can fail to experience any emotional consequence of a sexual encounter. The payoff of deadening one’s feelings, of course, is immediate gratification of a powerful, instinctive urge with no further thought needed. The cost of deadening one’s feelings is a diminished capacity to feel anything and a consequent difficulty initiating and maintaining intimate relationships that require one to be in touch with one’s own and one’s partner’s feelings. This fact should give pause to those who indicate in their dating profiles that they are seeking a long-term relationship but are willing to hook up or play around in the meantime. When you habitually deaden your feelings to treat the intimate sex act as something casual, you create an emotional habit that in time becomes a personality style that may be impossible to turn on or off at will. Those who claim they are not interested in long-term relationships often have been so damaged emotionally already by loveless, “casual” encounters and disappointments in love, that they simply stop trying and convince themselves that they don’t really need anyone special. Being unwilling or unable to love certainly is a curse in my book, and Freud considered this a key symptom of mental illness. (“Zu lieben und zu arbeiten,” “To love and to work,” was Freud’s definition of mental health.) In a culture that glorifies casual sex, as popular gay culture does, it should not surprise us to find some form(s) of mental illness normative.

None of what I’ve written should be used to beat ourselves up or to fire blanket criticisms at gay people; we get beat up enough by family and society as it is. I offer these observations as an invitation to sober reflection on the possibility that better, healthier, more-fulfilling ways of relating to one another are available to us than those that have become normal in our subculture. It is no accident that loveless, casual sex developed as a norm in a subculture deprived of the healthy routes of psychosexual development taken for granted by our het peers. Imagine if there were no stigma attached to homosexuality, and we were free and even encouraged by family, friends, society, and religion to experiment with dating in adolescence according to our natural tendencies. Imagine bringing our first crush home to eager, approving parents, or friends of our parents offering to arrange a date with their same-sex child. Imagine dating with het and gay friends with no shred of a sense that either het or gay feelings are superior or inferior. Imagine religious leaders citing the story of David and Jonathan in the Bible as admirable models of romantic love. Imagine not having to fight tooth and nail to win rights other citizens enjoy without a second thought. Would some of us still seek casual sexual encounters under these circumstances? Almost certainly some would, as some of our het peers do. But I argue they would not be accepted as normal, much less glorified.

My brothers (and sisters, if some of you are also reading this), I urge you to take the next step in liberating yourselves from the oppression of homophobia and abandon patterns of dysfunctional sexual behavior that developed in gay society under the pressures of pervasive, emotionally toxic homophobia. At the very least let us stop treating one another as objects to be used once and discarded like disposable syringes. For every time we treat someone this way, we perpetuate the cycle of emotional hurt and numbing of feeling that cripples our ability to love and poisons our community. There is no doubt that dating and taking the time to know someone before jumping in the sack, i.e., letting the physical intimacy develop naturally from emotional intimacy, requires some personal discipline and the willingness to delay gratification. But I believe the payoff in loving, more-fulfilling relationships and mutual caring is more than worth the effort. My experience tells me the sex will be better, too.

Rim Without Fear
May 27, 2009
Comments: 82

Dear Kirk,
I have been dating an HIV+ man for about 2 months. We've had sex twice and the sex was great. Careful always, and  I've never found putting on a condom so erotic. He really knows how to make it sexy.  What I want to know is, I love to rim. This man has a GORGEOUS, hairy ass, and all I can think about is burying my face in it. How dangerous is this, and is there any way to do it safely? I'd like to know if it's considered low risk, high risk, or whatever, but I'd really also like to know if it CAN be done safely. I've heard that Saran Wrap, or something like it, can be used, but are these water soluble, or permeable, or whatever they call it. Please let me know, because I'm SO HUNGRY!!!

Dear Hungry Jack,

What’s more primal than sticking your nose up a guy’s butt? We really ARE dogs.

I’m not a doctor, but I spent a number of years as an HIV/STD test counselor in a small community-based clinic for sex workers. When you get safer sex information, you have to consider the source. Whether you’re shopping for a flat screen TV or learning about syphilis, I think it’s always good to gather information from multiple sources, then use your own judgment to determine what makes sense to you. In counseling sessions, I have spent a lot of time talking terrified people down from trees. Public health agencies have done such a good job scaring the hell out of us that many people have received simplistic and incorrect information about STD and HIV risk. By lumping everything together (oral sex, rimming, anal sex, water sports) and not giving people very specific knowledge about what is risky and what isn’t, I think that many safer sex campaigns have actually harmed the larger effort to keep people safe.

There’s a concept in HIV counseling called the “spectrum of risk.” I find that it’s a really helpful framework for thinking about any sort of behaviors, whether it’s sex, food or drugs. This means that some things are high risk, some things are no risk, and most things are somewhere in between. For instance, having unprotected receptive anal sex with an HIV positive partner is higher risk, whereas giving an HIV positive man a blowjob (even if he shoots in your mouth) is very low to no risk. But there are all sorts of other factors to consider: having an STD could make you more susceptible to other STDs; having a cold could lower your body’s immune response; a guy who’s recently been infected with HIV is more infectious. Guys who have recently been infected often think they’re still HIV-negative. In short, it’s a lot more complicated than we have been led to believe.

A major thing to consider is hepatitis A and B, both of which are transmissible through rimming. If you're sexually active at all, you should have both of these vaccinations. Hep A is a two shot series and Hep B is a three shot series. Hep A can knock you out for over a month and Hep B can turn chronic, so you definitely don't want to risk getting either.

Rimming is low to no risk for HIV transmission because the mouth is such a hostile environment for HIV, which is a fragile virus that dies quickly when exposed to air or saliva. Parasites and amebas are something to consider here, some of which are harder to get rid of than others. The standard treatment of Flagyl is pretty hardcore and will leave you tired for days. If you've got HIV or other health issues already, getting intestinal bugs on top of that could be really serious. You could lower your risk for these critters, which get transmitted from anal/oral contact, by using saran wrap or a dental dam. You’re right that plastic wraps have some permeability, although plastic would be more effective than not using anything. I will step out here and say that I never use dental dams or plastic. Sometimes we take risks in order to have the kind of sex we want. The amount of risk you take will depend on the number of partners you have and what you guys do together. Think it through based on your situation.

Taking a probiotic supplement and eating yogurt can bolster your digestive tract to fight off any critters you might be exposed to while eating your man’s hot, hairy butt. Grapefruit seed extract is a powerful herbal remedy that kills over 800 bacteria and parasites. It tastes disgusting, but it works. Think of it this way: you taste something you really hate in order to taste something you really like.

The End of Gay Apathy
May 20, 2009
Comments: 21

I have watched this entire Miss California episode with equal moments of disbelief, disgust, and complete disinterest, but now my over-stimulated media-hijacked brain is thinking something quite different.  That this means something… this is important.

Unless you don’t follow gay, or any, news at all, you know that the runner up to the Miss U.S.A. pageant, Carrie Prejean, recently may have lost due to an answer she gave celebrity blogger Perez Hilton regarding her beliefs/stance/opinion regarding gay marriage.  She went biblical, Perez went ape shit, and what should have been a thirty second piece on Access Hollywood has turned into a media, and now cultural, firestorm.  She has now completely overshadowed the winner by surfing her polarizing answer through the choppy media waters, making a connection with the National Organization for Marriage (who already had their own problems), and has now come under fire from the Miss California Organization who thought her communication breakdown with them was a little too biting the hand that feeds and blew the whistle that yep, they paid for her Miss U.S.A competing fake breasts.  And then the nudie pics surfaced.

I’ve followed the whole sordid tale and have read a LOT of opinions on the whole topic.   Who is hurting gay marriage equality more, Carrie Prejean or Perez Hilton?  How unfortunate that a nasty blow-hard like Hilton is the spokesperson for us and this important human rights issue.  How this is a free speech issue, shouldn’t she have the right to her (religious) opinion?  How she represents not only the majority of the State of California, but the country, and also has the same stance on this issue as the current Secretary of State as well as our President, Barrack Obama.  And how much of a moron she is because regardless of her religious beliefs as they pertain to the issue, she stumbled over her answer, incorrectly stating that most of us actually have a CHOICE of gay marriage, and also introducing a new term, “opposite marriage,” which is, in a way, related to, such as, “The Iraq.”  Jeez… we need a map to navigate all of this.

So as the talking heads churn this to death and keep this as the story that will not die, it occurred to me just how important this whole thing is.  That this crazy seemingly innocuous event actually signals that we are at the precipice of something huge…  here we are at the tipping point of a cultural shift that may prove that it is no longer acceptable to be publicly homophobic.  It is impossible not to see the connections between this moment in gay civil rights and important moments within the Civil Rights Movement.  We now take it for granted that a Miss U.S.A. contestant would never even THINK of making a statement like, “My beliefs, and how I was raised, forbid me to stand by interracial marriage.”  And while Ms. Prejean has come out to say she has many gay people in her life and is not trying to “offend” anyone, what we all know is that her stance on gay marriage still makes us an “other.”  And until the Unites States laws on interracial marriage was changed by the Supreme Court in 1967, those laws still kept the unfortunate mindset that the African American was also an “other.”

I believe this entire discussion, and the slamming of her (as well as Hilton,) are ultimately tied to an “enough-is-enough” feeling from the gay members of this society.  Post Stonewall, and the little advancements the movement has managed to do in the decades since have all been important, but the passing of Proposition 8 was the first big step BACK we’ve had.  We’ve been accustomed to the uphill battle, and the baby steps, but Prop 8’s win has been our biggest loss to date, and I argue that that has been the end of gay apathy.  We’re not taking it anymore, and we’re refusing to let people hide behind religion on this issue.  When gay journalist Rex Wockner interviewed Carrie Prejean shortly after the storm started he asked her; “Are we having a moment?” Are we at this time in our cultural history when it will no longer be socially acceptable to be homophobic?  She couldn’t answer that, of course, because of what she and others on her fundamentalist crusade know: We ARE having that moment.

And when the Miss California Organization let out the truth that they paid for her breast implants and most recently nude photos emerged (which is against Miss America policy) it’s become the fruit pie in Anita Bryant’s face...  this all proves that something big is happening in our culture that could affect all of our lives much sooner than later.  Not only are we no longer letting public figures make homophobic stances, we are taking great measures to insure that someone else might think twice of doing the same.  That this beauty pageant contestant is literally the last of what this fundamentalist movement has to offer is huge.  We’re all used to hearing about long roads on issues like this, and if the history of human civilization should be given any weight, these religious arguments will continue to be fought for years if not centuries to come.   But the future is NOW brothers and sisters… because despite this uproar coming from “just a pageant contestant” it is, like it or not, part of the silly culture we come from.  It holds weight.  Ultimately she didn’t take the crown… she is number two.  NUMBER TWO.

And that sound you hear is “the other,” taking the win.

Spiritual Kinship & Intentional Family
May 12, 2009
Comments: 45

One of the special advantages a gay identity confers is kinship with other gay-identified persons all over the world. I consider ours a spiritual kinship because it transcends biological, national, ethnic, and socio-economic boundaries. As Homo sapiens we are all distantly related, of course, but we normally trace our biological kinship only as far back as familial memory or historical records permit. While some of us may lament the lack of biological offspring as a common consequence of choosing to honor our same-sex attractions, many more may celebrate our freedom from the financial and emotional costs of rearing children. Not only can we choose to remain free from the burdens of biological family, but we are also free to form our own intentional families, including sons or dads, if desired, by choosing relationships with individuals based on genuinely shared values, interests, and aspirations.

Any gay man who has traveled to other countries, even to those that may seem utterly remote culturally and geographically, will quickly discover with minimal effort members of our far-flung gay family eager to welcome foreign brothers into their world. I lived for two-and-a-half years in India in my late teens and early twenties, and I remember being surprised and amused to find gay men in parks from Banaras to New Delhi easy to detect using my American gaydar. Although gay men in traditional cultures such as in South Asia or in the Middle East typically experience irresistible pressure from their parents to marry, and therefore conduct their same-sex relationships discretely, at the same time the societal denial of the existence of homosexuality in these cultures is often so extreme, closeted gay men can easily hide in plain sight, as long as their appearance and public behavior is not flagrantly stereotypical. Add to this the normalcy in these cultures of kissing, hugging, hand holding, and other forms of public male affection, and a masculine-identified gay man in India or Syria could well experience more practical freedom in his day-to-day life than those of us who live in a country where the fear of being perceived as homosexual is so extreme it sometimes prevents fathers from hugging their sons, as happened to me when I turned twelve or so.

I think I cannot be alone among gay men in having often felt as a child that I must have been adopted because I seemed to have so little in common with my biological family. I couldn’t wait to move out when it was time for college, and except for one brief, miserable period when I moved back in with my parents while I was between jobs, I have not lived with them ever since. I rarely attend family events, such as holiday dinners, unless I can take gay “allies,” a lover or friend, with me. It’s not that my family has been hostile toward me as a gay man—indeed, even my sister’s family, the Mormons, are completely nonchalant when I appear with a boyfriend at family gatherings—but I often have little to talk with them about, our interests being so divergent, there seems little point to the visit.

I consider family important to me, nevertheless, but I experience my intentional family, my close friends and roommate of nine years, as more truly my loving support system than my biological family. This fact first became starkly obvious to me in the 90s when I was suffering AIDS-related illnesses that occasionally lead to hospitalization. My parents came to visit once or twice, but my lover at the time was there in the hospital every day without fail, and he always brought something to cheer me up—a stuffed animal or favorite food. He alone wiped my butt when I was too sick to do it for myself, and my gay friends were the only ones who rallied around to support me through those difficult years. Each new relationship potentially adds to the family, and I can envision one day sharing a large residence with some or all of them, if that seems like a step we want to take at some point. I have long believed that being gay is more about expanded awareness and opportunities than about being denied or incapable of anything, except legal marriage for some of us for now. As we gain that important right, our intentional families will finally have some of the same recognition and protection that het families have long enjoyed. Until then we can enjoy our worldwide gay family and appreciate one of the special advantages of being gay.

STD Awareness
April 27, 2009
Comments: 34

Hey Guys

Every year in April, we recognize STD awareness month. In San Francisco we hold community screenings as well as do local presentations on the prevention and treatment of STDs. But as we wrap up the month, I want to remind you guys that STD awareness should be a part of routine sexual health year round. So here are some thoughts and tips on STDs that I find useful.

STDs: The gifts that keep on giving.

Make sure you don’t get a one gift that you can’t casually get rid of as the months change. Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) are on the increase. So, when you are thinking about keeping yourself and your partner safe always remember to include BOTH HIV and STD in your thoughts.

Some common STD’s  include: Chancroid, Chlamydia, Cytomegalovirus (CMV), Genital Warts, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis, Herpes, HIV, Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), Syphilis, Molluscum Contagiosum, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, Pubic Lice, Scabies, Trichomoniasis, Urinary Tract Infections.

STD WATCH!
Signs to look out for:

  • Sores, blisters or small pimple-like irritations on or near your mouth, butt or dick.
  • In some cases, a white or yellowish drip or discharge from your dick will occur.
  • If it stings, burns or is painful when you piss or shit.
  • You find yourself having to piss often.
  • A persistent redness or swelling in your throat.
  • Fevers, aches and other flu-like symptoms.
  • In some instances, swelling in or around your dick or butt.

At the fist sign or symptom you should call your doctor or visit your local clinic for an appointment. Don’t have sex until after you have seen your doctor. You may pass on the STD to another person. If you are sexually active, have had unsafe or barrier-free sex, test on a regular basis. That means anywhere from every 3 – 6 months.

HEADS UP!
If you live in San Francisco you have access to a new great service www.STDtest.org.
This allows you to go online, and print out a lab slip that you can take out a local lab or even better to an after-hours community partner locations in the Castro
 

 

Much Too Old
April 14, 2009
Comments: 144

I saw a photo of a particularly attractive young man on a gay dating site, and I sent him a brief message saying I found his photos attractive and his profile appealing. He responded in a polite, friendly manner, and after some exchanged messages, he agreed to join me for dinner. Before we hung up he informed me that I am “much too old” for him to consider dating me, but he was interested in me for other reasons. When he arrived we discovered that we share the same alma mater, although he had only just graduated from UC Berkeley, and I graduated in 1975, several years before he was born as it happened, and we also had other common interests. After some polite conversation I felt obligated to inform the youngster that men my age (55) don't consider themselves much too old for anything.  He barely remembered the remark he had made on the phone and seemed embarrassed to have it repeated while sitting in my presence, and I gently told him that I was not much offended, and that young men frequently say insensitive things without even realizing they might be giving offense.

For example, I enjoy a compliment as much as anyone, and when a younger man tells me I'm “hot” or “in great shape,“ I feel a warm glow inside. However, when the young man adds the qualifier, “for your age,” I feel somewhat less complimented. For you youngsters out there who want to make your daddy smile, do, indeed, tell him he looks hot or attractive, but never, ever add the qualifier “for your age.” A man is either hot or not, so leave it at that. I personally think I'm more attractive at my present age than I was for most of my previous adult life, so that particular qualifier is especially galling to me. I was one of those younger men who preferred the company of older men myself, and I'm fairly certain I must have said some pretty stupid things to my older lovers at one time or another. Fortunately, age confers the advantage of failing or at least selective memory, so I cannot remember the comments that would surely make me blush with shame now, if I could remember them.

I do think I might be much too old to date men who view age as a liability rather than as an advantage. I have traveled and lived for a time in the Middle East, and one especially enjoyable aspect of socializing with gay men in that part of the world is their greater appreciation for the wisdom and experience older men at their best possess. Middle-eastern men in general seem to treat older men with as much deference and respect as many gay men in the U.S. treat them with disdain and derision, or worse, indifference. I wish I could say this only applies to very young men, but a brief glance over profiles of men over 50 on DaddyHunt.com will show how many impose an upper age limit of 40 on men they seek to date. I am the first to defend any man's right to seek what he wants, however absurd it may seem to me, but what future is possible for a lover who has the misfortune of turning 41 when partnered with a man who only wants lovers 40 or younger? I suppose he just gets shuffled into the ranks of the rest of us who are “much too old,” at least for some.

I used to have a rule about not dating any man younger than 30, but when a psychic told me my true love would be “much younger” than I am, I decided to relax this rule and keep an open mind. After all, it is maturity that I value rather than mere chronological age. And I do enjoy the exuberance of younger men, their puppy-like playfulness and endearing illusions of an infinite future with limitless possibilities. I see so many older men who give up on love and settle for a charming pet, a circle of friends, and good video equipment. I never thought I would be one of them. I can't honestly say I no longer believe in love, but I realize I'm mostly content to let it find me, or not, instead of looking for it. In the meantime I'll caress the dog while watching a new movie on the high-definition television with an old friend.

Total Tops: Ugh.
April 7, 2009
Comments: 71

We all never forget the first time we lose our virginity.  And gay men are lucky enough to have TWO virginities lost in their lifetime.  You have a choice between which one you want to lose first, and you can never really tell who is going to chose what.  It is either enter the manhole, or push-in the cushion…  I totally remember both vividly.

But there are a small fraction of guys that seem to be outwardly proud that they’ve never (and never will) let a stallion into the stable.  Total Tops?  Gimme a break.

See, I think there is a misconception that ye-who-only-enters is somehow more masculine, and dominant than the man that’s receiving.  First, I have certainly come across some of the manliest men I know that know how, and love to, take it good and long.  Second, I think that this mindset is really just a vestige of straight relationship models. It aims to basically mimic what most of us grew up with… one man, one woman, two roles, both different.  But in a male homosexual relationship there is no woman, you’re two of the same being that can, given our bodies, both give AND receive.  It’s not as simple as lock and key.

I’ll be honest, I’ve gotten a message or two from guys that right off the bat hit me with some variation of “I’m going to fuck you like crazy.”  No “hello,” no “wow you’re handsome” first… just “this is how I’m going to do it to you.”  In ALL of these instances I’ll check their profile and yep… Positions: Top.  That’s it.  Often I just can’t help coming back with… “Hot dude… yeah I’d like to give it to you too.”  The response?  It’s like I suggested they put on a sundress and heels and walk down Main Street; “no way man… I don’t think so.”  You’re responding to a stranger on a social networking site that YOU reached out to… do you really need to prove something to me?  There is an arrogance and defiance there that you certainly don’t hear from total bottoms.  Why is that?

But gay men seem to need to label themselves, and this obviously goes beyond the physicality of the way we like to have sex.  There is a persistent school of thought that the one on the receiving end is less masculine because they have taken the woman’s “role.”  But I have met way too many nelly tops (and crazy butchy bottoms for that matter,) to know that this just isn’t true.  So when I meet a guy that has a strange amount of redic-defiance to being nothing more than an absolute, drill-the-shit, pummeling total “top man”… I have to role my eyes; it doesn’t make you any hotter or studly to me.  Despite the macho aura you’re trying to perpetuate, it comes across like someone who is actually not really comfortable with themselves.  And it should be noted… it doesn’t make you any less gay.

Of course there are a myriad of reasons that anal sex, in general, is a no-go for many.  Risk of HIV, sexual abuse, cleanliness, pain, etc. are all factors that may contribute to a legitimate resistance to anal sex completely.  These are all understandable for sure, not to mention the emotional complications of letting yourself be penetrated, which can be quite profound.   But also I would question those that only top FOR these reasons.  It takes two for this particular tango, and there is an unfairness that I believe has nothing to do with dominance or submissiveness, despite how you want to play and/or relate to the person you’re being intimate with.

On the other hand, I have certainly met some very kind and sweet total tops that are not this model of faux-macho obnoxiousness.  So maybe there are just guys like that, and if people are happy with what they want and their partners are down with it as well, go wild.  These “stereotypical” role-taking relationships work, and that can’t and shouldn’t be denied.

But I’m just a different dude; and you aren’t gettin’ into my funbox, if I’m not gettin’ into yours.

Communication Pitfalls
March 23, 2009
Comments: 25

Let’s face it, sometimes we all put our “foot in it” and say the wrong thing. But the real skill I figured out is how to recognize what was said and then work to reduce the times we say it…

A pal of mine and I were grabbing coffee the other day and we brainstormed our top 10 – communication pitfalls.

  1. Asking your lover, pal or family a question when you aren’t truly interested in hearing them respond.
  2. Being afraid to tell someone “ I just want to be heard – can you listen without trying to give me an answer”. If more of us did this, I think we would actually find ourselves in a healthier place of trusting ourselves to seek our own answers…
  3. Asking questions that are a “lose”-“lose” game – you know this one, “Honey is my ass too big in these jeans”.
  4. Saying “ok” to a comment or statement when you really mean “ I hear what you are saying but am not in agreement”
  5. Omitting information because you don’t want to engage in a challenging conversation about it – Omission of the truth is only a shade different than an outright lie in my opinion and while it may make you feel better avoiding conversation – I find it always comes back to bite you on the ass in the end.
  6. Forgetting that a conversation is a dialogue between two or more people. That means someone’s speaks and another responds until a natural conclusion is reached – I like the old adage “if you think you are talking too much – you probably are”.
  7. Vagueness. Be specific. If you want to ask someone out on a date, instead of trying to lock them into a corner with “ What are you doing Friday night?” try a more clear approach; “Are you interested in going to dinner or a movie with me Friday night?. By giving them an option of day and activity, this technique allows the receiver to respond a couple of ways, such as in the affirmative with an alternative day or activity and in the case when they are not interested the date – it’s allows them to gracefully say no with out responding yes and bailing on you the day of.
  8. “I’m clean, are you?” Now what the hell is this all about? “Clean?” First of all having an STD or HIV isn’t about being dirty. So that’s a misconception and judgement I wish men would remove from online profiles because it doesn’t hold any weight. Not to mention I think it’s somewhat offensive to some of us.. or at least to me. Secondly – if it’s about not having any STD’s, not all of them have symptoms that are easily seen, so you don’t always know. I prefer that guys put words such as “ I test routinely for STD’s, last test was XXX” or “I take responsibility for my sexual health and check for STD every three months”.
  9. Responding to someone saying “I love you” with “me too” or ignoring it. Either you do or don’t. If you are someone who isn’t ready to say it, don’t fake it. A “thank you” is appropriate to let the person know you heard them. Of course, that doesn’t mean a follow up conversation might not occur as to what exactly you are feeling…or not.
  10. LISTEN – don’t just sit there and talk yourself out of another meeting.  You can listen to what the other person is saying.  As interesting as you think you are you may not be that interesting to someone else.
I, Otter
March 13, 2009
Comments: 51

It was just shy of three months from when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay from when I moved to New York City.  So not only was I coming to the city to start my big time career ambitions, but also my big new gay life.  Knowing little about what to expect, I came to just accept that, based on the scene I fell into, I wouldn’t feel cute enough, wouldn’t have the right clothes, and could only hope that I would get an invite to visit a Fire Island Pines house as I surely couldn’t afford it.  (Which never happened.) But after unsuccessfully fitting in with mainstream gay culture, I met the love of my life and stopped caring what other boys thought of me.

About two years into our being together I suggested we go to Provincetown, Massachusetts for the weekend.  I had spent summers on the Cape during school but never stayed overnight in the “gay town” at the end of the earth.  We went, and by coincidence it turned out it was the end of something called “Bear Week”.  At the time, we thought a bear was simply an animal that well… shit in the woods.  Let’s just say that despite living in New York, I hadn’t yet realized that not everything from our culture had in fact ended up in an episode of Queer as Folk.  Bear culture… what’s that?

So in this weekend of firsts I met not just bears, but cubs, muscle bears, and daddy bears.  I found out that there was a bear flag, a bear themed magazine, and that you can sexualize chest hair.  (Woof!)  And on day two one particularly friendly “bear tracker” (a skinny hairless guy that none-the-less had a penchant for pelt) said to me quite seriously:

“You know what you are?”

“Ah… what’s that?” I replied warily.

“You’re an Otter.”

“I’m sorry?”

“A skinny hairy guy with a swimmers build.” He explained.

Honestly, at first I thought it was ridiculous… an otter?  Can my boyfriend be a mink?  I made a lot of jokes about the whole situation when I returned to New York because you know… sexualizing big hairy guys certainly wasn’t, and still is not, homo-mainstream.  And specifically I mentioned being called an “otter” and my big sarcastic joke was; “Oh!  Thank goodness!  I finally have an identity in gay culture!” But what I was missing was that being an otter wasn’t just silly gay counter-culture jargon, it was in fact a celebration of what I was… not what I wasn’t.

And then, being an Otter suddenly made sense; it gave me a place and identity in a culture that never seemed to have room for me.  I had spent so much energy focusing on all the things I didn’t have and all the ways I didn’t fit into gay culture… but as an otter, I was free to be just me… skinny and hairy and beautiful!

As the years have rolled on I’ve felt a true connection to Bear culture and really have grown as a man.  This is directly tied to shedding the insecurities I let others put on me and joining a community that sexualizes me just as I am.  And while my instinct was to get down on myself for not being beefier or more hairy once I was hangin’ with the bears, I didn’t because… well, I was an Otter.  I truly believe there is no homo left behind within this culture because it’s all about celebrating the things you are; be it chubby, hairy, into older guys, or stinking of manscent.  And this here Otter is happy to have it!