How To Get Over Someone

October 14, 2010

We've all been there. You've just broken up with someone, or been dumped, or realized you were barking up a very sexy, but very wrong tree and realized you need to move on in a big way. Realizing is one thing, but actually doing something about it is quite another. And as is usually the case, it's easier said than done. Distance and time is the most effective remedy, but it's also the hardest one (who has that kind of time?). So in an effort to speed up the process here are some other ways to help you heal that terribly itchy heartache.

Out of Sight, Out Of Mind

Similar to the 'distance and time' method, quitting a guy cold turkey is one of the most effective ways to get over someone in that it takes some time. This entails a complete cut off from your former flame, which means no phone calls, no texts, no facebook stalking, no friendly coffee catch ups, no contact whatsoever for a predetermined period of time. Of course you can't block them from your brain or prevent them from popping up in the wild, but by eliminating everything you can control, that man will be washed right out of your hair in no time. And the best part is, once your man-cleansing is complete you're free to start or resume a friendship with him from wonderfully solid footing.

Find Someone New

Another one of the more effective ways to help erase those pesky residual feelings is to start dating someone else. Starting to meet other people and discovering what's out there is great way to take your mind off things (I know this great dating site with a bunch of hot daddies and hunters if you need a place to start). Not only does it renew your confidence in your dating future, but it's a great reminder that life does go on and eventually broken hearts mend. And if there's one thing broken hearts are good for, it's helping to fine tune exactly what you're looking for and ultimately need in a relationship.

Self Imposed Celibacy

If you're having trouble getting back in the saddle (so to speak), why not just take some good ol' fashion me time. It may sound cliche, but there's something empowering about having control over whether you will or will not date someone. It's always good to get back in touch with the person you are/were before inviting someone new into your life. If you're a sex fiend than maybe this just means no dating, but if you've got the willpower, I say take matters into your own hands (yes, pun intended) and enjoy yourself for a while.

Throw Yourself into Work

Whether you like your job or not, refocusing your relationship energy on work can prove to be more than just a temporary distraction. Think of how much you can achieve in your career now that you only have yourself to worry about. Going in early, taking the time to do some extra research on a potential new client or project, these are the kinds of things that promotions are made of. And just think, with a shiny new position at work, you'll be more desirable than ever, not to mention financially fulfilled.

Start a New Hobby or Volunteer

You always wanted to take up glass blowing, but your ex always thought it was lame. Well with him out of the way, you'll have plenty of time and far less judgement to indulge in all the things you've always wanted to but never had the time or encouragement to try. Joining a gay sports league is another great option. You'll make new friends and meet an entirely new network of great gays who're big fans of camaraderie. Better yet, work on your karma and start doing some good around town. Whether it be an anti-violence organization or helping with your neighborhood after school program there are plenty of volunteer networks and options at your fingertips.

Stalking

So you really can't get him off your mind, nor do you want to. Well, there's always standing outside their window with a boombox and trench coat. Or following them to and from the gym. Or sneaking into his house at 2 AM so you can cut a lock of their hair to put on your body pillow at night, you know the one you sprayed with his favorite cologne so his sweet, sweet scent never leaves your bed. The crazier the better, because with any luck he'll slap a restraining order on you and then you'll have no choice but to get over him and his cop calling ways.

Now these are just a few proven options, but I'm sure there's plenty more out there. So if you've got suggestions, please share with the group in the comments section.


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Tags: getting over someone, dating, breakups
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Post written by RobHeartsDH (View Author Profile)
About this author: Rob lives in Manhattan with his black pug Riley. When he’s not thinking about daddies, he enjoys writing, eating burritos, watching copious amounts of television, and thinking about his next meal.
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Comments

I think the hardest part is to be sure it is over. To ignore his remarks of WOW and ARE YOU FOR REAL and accept that he also told you that he does not want an emotional relationship
It seems to be so simple, but when the other person leaves a lot of grey it is not easy, but yes,
I agree, look for distraction and realize that your emotions will change. Nothing is permanent, not even the good stuff. It is a big learning curve.
Accepting WHAT IS, that's the thing...

Hi.Thank you for all the advice and recomedations,but ,what if you r Lover past away after 39 happy years,all the distractions dont help ,the greef goes with you where ever you go.Horstello

getting over a breakup & losing someone to death are NOT the same thing. i don't care how serious or magical a relationship might've been or how "meant to be" it might've felt like at one point in time., bottom line is that breakup pain is but mere drama when compared to the pain of losing a loved one.

there's only one thing that can sooth such pain. TIME!

A new apartment or house, a new bed, new clothes, new shoes always seem to make a man feel happier.

Make sure that you don't keep anything of his laying around. If you have to get rid of him, really really get rid of him. The clothes, socks, the toothbrush, the hair in the drain, get rid of all of it. The lube you used to use with him? That has to go, too. Take his stuff to him, or tell him where to pick it up, but get rid of all of it.

For those of us who are pre MTV/Computer age: My friends used to say that the best way to get over someone can be summed up in one word: "Revenge" One bud used to say:
"Remember, they can't convict you if they don't find a head or fingerprints". Alas, now with DNA testing I guess that's not a valid idea anymore. Seriously, fellas, time does heal (almost) all wounds - including those of the heart. I found that eliminating all traces of your lost love from your home is the first step. "Outta sight, outta mind" is my motto. That is until I run into him on the street or at the grocery store with someone new. That's another drama altogether. You just go on...With all the other things in life that are so much more important (AIDS, bullying, the economy, "True Blood"!) the heart finds other issues to get involved with, and when you're involved with doing other things is when you bump into someone really amazing and you suddenly realize how silly you were pinning over your "ex".

Oh, I also find a good sense of humor helps tremendously (but I guess you figured that out already, eh?)

Wow Littlelta...your comment is a very violent and sociopathic. "...they can't convict you if they don't find a head or fingerprints". It's scary to see that we would allow such posts on a gay site. Encouraging a person to murder another person over a broken heart is way beyong disturbing.

One of the reasons I feel a brotherhood in the gay community is because of the compassion, support and understanding. Yes, there is occasional bitchiness but I don't know any gay people who would promote homocide as a means to heal from a broken heart even as a joke.

I encourage this site to remove Littlelta's post before it puts unhealthy thoughts in young gay people's minds who may be going through a break up and reading this blog. Also, we don't want to give the conservative religious right ammunition to use in their anti-gay campaign.

Well, I don't think the person was really suggesting violence. But I wish my ex could see what you wrote before all the times he threatened to "f_ _ _ me up..." and brought his new BF to stay with him in my home. When I asked him to move out he blew up again and threatend to kill me.... It's been handled but not at great expense to both of us... Before we worry about brotherhood in the gay community we each need to revisit some basic principles of life, such as, honesty, truthfulness and basic respect. It very rare out there it seems!

WOW, he was clearly joking! LOL

I sure hope your short comment wasn't referring to my response. Not one bit of it was a joke or funny. I almost allowed him to control my whole life and I thank God I found the courage to end it.

Are you for real...do you think you stated anything I could say you are joking??? Come on now! Obviously I was referring to the post before yours. Makes me wonder about some people here....GEEEESH!

I Truly Do Miss You....

You opened it. Good luck. Tonight at midnight
your true love will realize they love you.
Something good will happen to you at 1:00 am to
4:40 pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Tonight
at midnight they will remember how much they
love you. You will get the shock of your life
tomorrow, a good one. If you break the chain, you
will be cursed with relationship problems for the
next 2 years. Karma. If there is someone you once
loved, or still do, and can't get them out of your
mind, repost this in another city within 5
minutes. It's amazing how it works. If you truly
miss someone, a past love, and can't seem to get
them off your mind....then repost this titled as " I
Truly Do Miss you". Whoever you are missing will
surprise you. Don't break this, for tonight at
midnight, your true love will realize they love you
and something great will happen to you
tomorrow!

Its been 4 years, yeah time does help you get over it, but, I think of him from time to time. Last summer I was mowing the lawn and he drove by twice. I went out on a date with someone I met online that night and it was a flop, and I missed him, but realized it was not a "healthy" relationship.

I definitely like the "out of sight, out of mind" approach. This has worked wonders and definitely puts you in a better position to process, analyze and feel your emotions so that you can move on and get on to hopefully bigger and better things. It is easier said than done but with the will power and refocusing of your energy on more positive and productive output will help to heal the wounds faster.

I tried to avoid a guy for a whole year like that (saw his car in a club's parking lot & would go somewhere else, etc.). Then I finally decided I had to KNOW (what I already knew). I approached him to ask him if he'd reconsider. Let's say I was given a very definite 'no'. I knew that it would break my heart, but the point was...I had to make him 'do' something because otherwise I had no reason to want to give it up otherwise.

for my own experience,just forget him

I have a short but intense photographic history with a guy who I was in love with. It was the most photographed I have ever been in my life. He took a camera everywhere and I started to do so as well. We did lots of great things together...

After we had broken up, during the "out of site out of mind" phase, I really wanted to delete all of those photos. Just erase the lot of them so I wouldn't be tempted to look through all those great memories that had been stained with the heart break.

I have quarantined them but he contacted me thorugh email after the period of time and sent me a great photo of us together. It was shocking how painful it was to look at. I have since stopped all contact since he set up a relationship to move into before we broke up and after a period of time apart we tried to do the friends thing, but ended up in bed together. Realising how self destructive this was (being the "bit on the side" when once I was front and centre) helped me make a decision to have no contact with him at all.

I am slowly getting rid of the gifts he gave me that I tried to give back to him when we broke up, but he refused. I want nothing to remind me of that terrible time in my life.

I recently met someone who had a similiar experience and DID do the big delete. Every photo he had of him and the guy, he deleted. It reminded me of how I was going to do it, but didn't. I don't look at those photos and I know not to look in the 2008 folder AT ALL. But if I did, I would be back there, hurting and longing.

Should I delete? Am I hanging on? Is this a case of "shaving that man right out of my hair?" Or is it truly moving on and forgetting?

The problem isn't deleting the folder or not. If looking at pictures from over two years ago would leave you "hurting and longing", then you have clearly not moved on, and at this point, you might want to consider professional help (and I don't consider that a pejorative comment). It's holding a grudge - which is harmless to him and deeply injurious to you.

A saying I learned a long time ago has helped me many times over the years: Holding a grudge is like letting someone you despise live rent-free inside your head. Accept that you made a mistake getting involved with this guy, consider it a learning experience, forgive him for being part of it, forgive YOURSELF for making the mistake... and move on. You can't undo it, you can't change it, you can't make it un-happen... all that's left is to get over it.

I totally agee with you.....grudges are poison to the person holding on to them..........freedom and clarity will soon follow.

Wow, funny you should have used the word poison in reply to Cowboy's comment. I had just sent him a message saying how on target he was and quoted a line from a movie i just saw...it goes, "UNFORGIVENESS IS LIKE DRINKING POISON AND THEN WAITING TO DIE..."

Thanks for the advice guys re: forgiveness, lack thereof and ummm... poison. I believe the saying is "Refusing forgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the OTHER PERSON to die."

I guess I was asking if doing things like deleting photos help in creating the distance ("out of sight out of mind") necessary to arrive at complete forgiveness. It was just a thought - I don't think it would help and I would be deleting part of my own history, being self destructive.

Thanks again to all for their advice.

The concept and process of forgiveness is a necessary part of healing and going on. One not only has to find a way to forgive the other, but the self, too. Reflecting on what happened, how you contributed to the best parts of a relationship and, most likely, to some things that lead to its end, are not only helpful, but can add maturity and balance to your next choice of relationship possibilities. We all need to learn from past experiences and not repeat patterns of who we choose based on our unrealized or unconscious wishes, choices, hurts, images, needs and fantasies. Good luck on the next part of your journey.

Before you undertake your journey, ask questions of yourself, the questions your afraid of, and accept the first answer you come to will be a justification of your actions in your past journey. Look past the obvious and your ready because you have followed your thoughts to conclusion and accepted the part you have played may have been wrong at times. Learn and apply.

Funny indeed. I also posted a comment mentioning that one must forgive and that harboring such negative feelings is like poison. Hmm...

Dear Heartsleve:

While pictures of you and you ex may be hurting you now - I think you are doing what you need to do to move on (quaranting photos). But I would certainly not delete them. The reason being that one day you will be able to look back at them and appreciate the great gift your ex was able to give you (the joy of photography).

It is traditional in the Jewish faith to cover mirrors during the time of mourning to keep from showing the pain of loss - it doesn't do much to stop the pain - but it is a great way to move forward from it.

Also, journaling (keeping a journal of your pain and hurt) is also a good way to move on with your life. Write it all down and put it away - it will be a great reference book for the future - not necessarily a reminder of the pain and suffering you are going through now but of the growth you have made.

It is certainly a natural response to want to "shave that man right out of your hair" but no matter what is done, the mind still goes back, no matter how bald you try to become.

Give yourself time, it is a great healer - and in the meantime, take some new photographs to enjoy - one day you will be grateful for the hobby you wouldn't have known if it wasn't for your ex - you will just have to trust me on this one.

All of the above is taking ownership of your own talents and experiences - some gained on your own, others bestowed on us by others.

"The successful journey is not the destination, but rather the experiences along the way that make the journey worthwhile" is a great mantra.

I dated a guy for three years, it was an open relationship, and it ended really really badly. (He told me "I love you, you're an important part of my life," then he met a guy on Craigslist and six weeks later, it was "Who?") It was worse because it could have ended easily and honestly and we remain friends, but instead he did the "lie your ass off and treat him like shit until he dumps you" method of breaking up.

I had a ton of photos of the two of us together and of him over that three year period. I had created a website for him that doubled his business. We were in the same club together. I had shot video of him performing at fund-raising events.

After seeing the movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," where the lead character's brother makes him delete all the photos of the ex, I realized that's what I needed to do. But photos, once lost, cannot magically spring back to life, so I burned them all to a stack of CDs first, THEN deleted his ass off my laptop!

It's been three years now (oh, and his new relationship that was his "soulmate" was cheating on him in four months and they broke up after seven). We now have casual social contact, and not a whole bunch more. He's dating yet another guy -- and I give it only a few more months before he rationalizes screwing this new guy over too. Curious how all his friends, when I run into them, make it clear how they value me.

As a friend of mine pointed out, psychotherapists are TRAINED to detect psychopaths, and even they are successful only a small percentage of the time, so I need to cut myself a break for not picking up on the signs while I was dating him.

Time and distance...I recommend them highly.

Deleting is appropriate in some situations. But if you were married and had children and then divorced, would you delete everything?? If there was real love and a real realtionship it IS difficult to delete it all. I'm going through that right now. The end of the relationship was riddled with lies, manipulation and abuse...but you just can't delete real love or the good that transpired. I have deleted most though, only keeping things involving important moments that are now a part of my life, whether he's there or not. It is painful - and it doesn't go away in a month or a year...I had to accept that. Certainly it wasn't always 'all that bad' or there wouldn't have been a real realtionship to begin with. If it was real, it doesn't just disappear. In my case I still have to face him again in a year in court for what he did to me (and what I allowed him to do.)

Lighten up LTRminded69...Apparently you need to learn to R-E-A-D a person's entire comment in order to see I was joking and using the gay old tradition of sarcasm in dealing with certain situations. This is the reason I mentioned pre MTV/computer age fellas - you younger guys have lost the art of verbal wit and use of linguistics (I suggest you look up the word's definition) in order to grasp the understanding of great portion of our gay heritage - verbal banter. Oh, and didn't I specifically mention use of HUMOR to help to get through rough times? I suggest putting down the Blackberry/Strawberry/Blueberry or any other kindof "Berry" you guys are using and learn to communicate face-to-face and learn to utilize language...AND LEARN TO SPELL CORRECTLY!!! U GT IT?!?

Okay now you guys are gonna see another part of me...I may regret this tomorrow but here goes. After all the humor and so called "sociopathic violence" I've been accused of by certain bleeding hearts associated with this site (and believe me, I respect their opinion - 'just don't agree with them as they not know me) I've come to the conclusion that I have given only one side to my feelings on the subject of "breaking up" or losing a partner/bf.

First off: When its a bf I stand by my statement as stated previously. I remove all traces of him in my immediate world. Just as if a beloved pet passes away, the fastest way to adjust to a loss if to remove all traces of that loss from your environment. "Come and get your stuff by so-and-so time or its off to Housing Works that afternoon". The stuff is usually picked up from the doorman and gone. 'gives me a chance to do a little redecirating and to get on with my life.

However, when its a different kind of loss my feelings may take a differnt path. I lost two lovers: one in 1984 to GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency). For those of you "youngins" out there that 's what the medical community called HIV related illnesses prior to calling it AIDS. The great love of my life. Even to today. To go through that kind of horror you don't really ever get through. You learn to cope with the loss. There was a part of me that died along with him that day and I miss him every day of my life. My second LTR was a brilliant and talented man who comitted suicide going on 8 years this December. Suicide is another story altogether. The person who dies is at peace at last. Its those who are left behind are the ones who are left to pick up the pieces and question and question and deal with the guilt and suffering. Its an emotional separation that you cannot imagine unless you've experienced it first-hand. I still, at times, feel I could have done more but I have come to realize that there were factors and deamons afoot that nothing could have stopped him from doing what he was destined to do.

Even through time does heal - to a point - it never heals completely. You get used to it - like wearing a pair of eyeglasses or a ring. But the twinge of loss makes you remember and keeps them in my heart and that's a comfort and makes me, I would like to think, a better person.

I may joke about "getting dumped" or breaking up with someone because I don't think its not the right guy. It doesn't compare to what losing a lover through death could ever be. I hope you guys never find out what that is like. I don't think many of you would survive it.

I read all your comments.. big hug to you! :0)
Getting over someone in any circumstance is hard for everybody and is also a different experience for each of us...but as long as you surround yourself with good people and good company, gay or straight- not that that should matter, their support helps through the tough times.

LittleIta ... you stated the following in your comment on how to deal with a break up: "Revenge"....Remember, they can't convict you if they don't find a head or fingerprints".

It's irresonsible and disturbing to state something like that on any website. Two of my friends read the posting and felt the same way. Both were concerned and shocked that this was even placed on a gay blog as a joke.

I don't usually read these blogs but I decided to read it because it dealt with relationships which is a subject that I was interested in. It's unfortunate to see something this irresponsible, disturbing and violent on a gay site.

How do you feel even after your lover died many many moons ago?. It is easier said than done that Time heals everything. Time may take away the pain, but certainly not the memories.

At anytime, anywhere something small or something large or something that you hear could trigger off those memories and than the tears starts to fall. There's no easier way out.

I certainly feel that I am now a better person , despite the lonely years I have been left alone. I certainly couldnt have done it all without my Soul mate, somewhere out there he is looking after me. Guiding me and thats a comfort by itself.

It is not easy to loose someone you lived with and now you are all alone except the knowledged that you did Loved once and the memories to hold on to in your Sunset years. .

How do I feel? Great question. At the risk of being stoned by the critics: I miss them both every day of my life. They were both two very different men that came into my life at two very different times of my life and therefore fulfilled different "needs" at specific periods of my life/growth. My first lover and I were together when he first divorced his wife and we were both newly "OUT" and therefore we found a comraderie and shelter and bond - a sort of Team. He was also 7 years older than me. My second LTR was also older but came into my life almost a decade after the death of my first life partner - I was in my 40s by then and he was in his late 40s. By this time I had grown into a Man - comfortable in my own skin and independant and able to know what to expect from the world. The world had also changed dramatically in it's view on being Gay and AIDS too. We were both successful in our careers and it was an easier life on the outisde but not without it's price to pay.

At the end of the day: the deaths from AIDS and suicide still leave the survivor with a chasm in place where your heart was adn it is almost impossible to fill - especialy around anniversaries and the holidays. AS stated previously you learn to deal with it and cope and , as others mentioned, friends and family (if you are lucky enough) help out tremendously to ease the burden. For me I just learned to "do" or I couldn't function. I had responsibilities: my job and my partener's young son from his marriage (who regarded me as "Dad #2") and in the second case: we had a business to run and I had the responsibility to our employees and clients and a house to run and not lose my mind from grief. I kept busy. Some may not agree with my tactics but its what worked for me.

Some relationships take the form of the leader/follower connection that works well in many cases with less drama than the mainstream. Many mentor type men are in such situations but lack of public flamboyance makes them less noticed.

I, too, have lost someone very special so I do know what it's like. I was blessed with a wonderful partner for 26 years. His sudden death, two years ago, from a heart attack left a tremendous hole in my life. As all of your comments have said, time does ease the pain, but I've found that, even with being busy, without the support of family and close friends, the days would be a lot tougher. I gain a little more strength each day. It is so true that life must be lived and relished one day at a time.

It seems that a number of comments are about escapism - buying stuff, finding a fast replacement, or whatever, and even advocating distractions as a cure. I guess my take on it is a little different. I think the best way to get over a broken relationship is to really dig deep in your psyche and process the experience and work through all those conflicting feelings. Distractions don't really help us deal with the underlying issues. They set us up to repeat whatever happened, rather than helping us learn and grow from the experience, thus being better equipped for the next relationship.

I fairly recently went through a breakup by a guy who I was totally convinced was my soulmate. It was unbelievably painful when he vanished from my life. (Later I learned his vanishing was preceded by his having met someone else while still pretending to be with me. It sucked.)

I felt utterly lost. I had a close friend who helped me talk through things and deal with them, and I found a great book called "Coming Apart" by Daphne Rose Kingma, which was so so helpful. By processing and contextualizing the experience, I worked through my pain, put the relationship into realistic context and perspective, and feel now that when the next 'right guy' comes along, I am emotionally, spiritually, and mentally ready for him.

I am not saying there is no value to escapism, but there's not much beyond the moment. If what we really want is to learn from the past and figure out how to overcome whatever brought the breakup on in the first place, we need to really dig into painful areas in our hearts and psyches and glean everything we can from the situation -- which is very different from "go buy shoes."

In my case, there is nothing I could have done to prevent my guy from meeting someone else.... BUT: there were clues, I was just so blinded by my love for him I consciously or subconsciously overlooked them all. I feel that by working through all the issues and really exploring the relationship after the fact, I have learned a ton about myself that I will take with me into my next relationship. You don't get that from shopping therapy. Distractions and escapism are flimsy and temporary masks for the pain, and nothing more.

I'm so glad to read your thoughts after reading the others. One would sense, from the point of view of so many others out there, that love and relationships are just a bloody nuisance in life when they don't work out. If that's how we want to deduce this thing called love then we end up missing the reason for it entering our lives.

Breakups are very difficult to those who valued certain aspects of the relationship. They are losses...downtimes in our life stories. But what is our life story without some disappointment, sadness and struggle? Who says that our life story is supposed to run smoothly? If we can get rid of this notion that things are meant to be perfect, we open ourselves to some valuable lessons and meaning which, ultimately, I believe is the real significance for our lives. How boring and unremarkable would life be if things went exactly as we planned?

Feel the hurt and be thankful that you still can. The next important person you meet will relish that part of you.

Cute article. Now who is going to write one concerning being rejected time after time again? Of course one of the solutions should be jumping off of a bridge.

Group emotional support can grow if one is not too closeted. A community can flock together to reduce feelings of emotional isolation and build solidarity rather than descent. We can accomplish the same things as the str8 community can by coming out and actually making things work.

It is all relative to me. I have barked up the wrong tree more than once. My first very serious boyfriend and I were together for three years. I was barking up the wrong tree because I should have realized he was really just a good friend and not partner potential. I did not want to cut him out of my life so we remained friends and still do to this day. Other things came into factor as well like me wanting to leave Montana and go back to grad school. Despite the fact that I felt we were not partner compatible, it would be hard for me to imagine him not being in my life.

I also dated a guy for about 4 months that was horribly verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I made the mistake when I had to do the hard thing and break up with him about wanting to be friends. While I did "throw myself" back into my school work (he was much more important than school, of course), I should have practiced the "out of sight, out of mind." We are no longer in contact and it took a few therapy sessions to really get over what happened. While I did not go celibate, I did decide it was really time to quit searching for Mr. Right for a bit.

My thoughts are to really figure out before you break up where this person really fits in your life. It can make a difference how long the relationship has lasted, of course. But, I have talked to many gay men that tell me one of their best friends is a guy he dated briefly and it did not work. If the guy is abusive in anyway, take the advice of Dan Savage and DTMFA! I tried to change the guy I was with and it will never work. But, if he is someone that you love and still want in your life, tell him now. He will appreciate the honestly and he may feel the same way. Just make sure when you do, there is no more sex, no more nights over, and only hugs after seeing a movie together.

What an interesting, thought provoking and diverse range of comments on a life experience that all of us have been through at some time in our lives. I was married for 20 years and left my wife when I met my first gay lover and we became boyfriends. As the dumper, I coped well with the divorce. I was in a new relationship and happy, excited and exhilarated by the newness of it. My ex-wife, I discovered later, took years to get over the pain of my leaving. Today, after 12 years, we are friends and for our childrens' sake, get on well when together. Living in separate cities helped.

My first gay relationship of 6 1/2 years ended in court - my ex bf and I lived and worked together for the last 3 years of our relationship and as a result of ongoing disagreements, aggression, jealousy and finally physical assault, had an AVO placed on us by the courts that prevented us from seeing each other for a year. We have since become good friends and still care for each other. I in effect dumped him and so I managed to deal with the separation more easily. The forced time apart helped considerably.

My third and most recent relationship was with a man much younger than myself. I was his first man and we were together for 2 years. For me it was a wonderful relationship, but he was not out and so this became untenable for me over time. We agreed to separate, although in the end it was he who dumped me - he decided he was not ready to be in a relationship. So as the dumpee, I am still struggling with this to this day. I have tried many of the suggestions made in previous posts. We, unfortunately, contined to see each other for a long time after the breakup and this was the worst thing we could have done. He had moved into a new relationship and was happy. I have not and still think about him often. We recently tried to start seeing each other again, as friends, but he, just yesterday, told me that it was not working for him. So we are back to not seeing each other or speaking - maybe for ever this time.

So each relationship breakup has to be dealt with differently, depending on the circumstances. But thank you for all the earlier posts on this topic. I have learned a lot and will benefit from them in future.

Well my breakup was a happy mutual thing. We both realized that we just became good friends and that life was leading us in different directions. There were no tears, no need for distance. We were together for over 6yrs. We hangout, talk, no worries. I think it all depends on where you're at emotionally and how truthful you can be with yourself and whomever you are with. I don't believe in blind ignorance of not knowing something is coming. It's all in the way that you handle the situations in your life. To me breaking up with someone you love that loves you back can be hard but I think it's the courage of loving someone enough to wish them the best no matter the situation and to plug on with your life and be thankful of what you do have. With whatever someone takes away from me, be it friend, lover, or foe....I've already proven to myself that I can get what I want...so no worries :+)

¿How to get over someone? well I really just came to see the model of this topic, what a beautiful "little bear" :) but I guess we dont really need getting over someone because...

"One of these days someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else"

Hugs! everyone. =) P.S. What a cute man the model of the topic "how to get over..." (sight) aaahhh! ¿How to get over him? (sight)

The idea of "you and me against the world" is better to include family of non-intimate friends if possible. A spirit of community can work (as Ive seen) better where others matter as much as oneself.

Many times, learning to date and form relationships are stiffled for gays. I have learned that taking time to take inventory has helped me better my relationships as time goes on. Focusing on the things you liked in previous relationships and adding those to the list eventually gives clear definition to what you will eventually find.

As far as ending relationships, my best solutions are not looking at them as a failure or loss, but rather as a learning experience. Taking the experiences and evaluating them for the positive that came from it, e.g. 'if I never met so-in-so I would have probably never learned to rollerblade, travel or whatever'.

Understanding that evolution is the natural order of things also is beneficial - as the saying goes, "easy come, easy goes". Like everything else in life - the most important things come with time. Allowing time to perfect is important... in the meantime, switch from the silly love songs to classical for awhile. Good music but no sentiments to have to listen to.

Take care of yourself and live well.

This is my opinion after living 56 years, seeing one husband die, and then only starting to grow up at age 46 after going through yet another relationship with my eyes wide shut: Us gay men put a little too much emphasis on the sexual end of the coupling, and we try a little too much to follow the "straight" world's paradigm of how a relationship "should" work. No relationship is going to be perfect, and if you get about 80% of what you need, and there is mutual respect, kindness and understanding, compromise and open communication you just might have success. Like the song goes, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you'll get what you need. It may all seem like a cliche to some, or too simple to others, but that is how I see it. And I agree with Mstrtop, try to see the end of any relationship as not a failure or loss but a learning experience. Let's all be good to each other out there.

Thank you for your thoughts BlueCollar....I like the way you think. And your thoughts have come to me at a very opportune time in my romantic/sexual evolution. After being married for almost 30 years I find myself in the gay arena and a bit like a fish out of watter. But I'm coming around to my old way of thinking and feeling about things. Sometimes life brings us full circle like that. Hope you find 'what you need' in life and some of what you want also! Ciao!

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and usually it is to teach us something about ourselves and the human condition. A previous commentator is correct. Relationships are learning experiences. I have been through 3 breakups in the past, and when it happens, the first thing I ask myself is, What was the purpose and the lesson of this experience? The answer does not always come right away, but if you are open and honest with yourself, and ready to accept responsibility for your part in it, the answer WILL come. Once you get the answer, thank your ex for the experience, and the life lesson, wish him all the best, and let it go, but be sure to hang on the life lesson for future reference. As Shakti Gawain said, Your true friends in life are those who take on adversarial role in your life, in order to teach you something important. Your really enemies are the people who pass you by on the street and don't even say hello.

For those of you who have lost a partner due to a sudden death or terminal illness, I am truly sorry for your loss. However, when you are feeling depressed and alone, look on the bright side. You had many years of happiness and great memories. So take a moment to thank him for that. It is something many of us have never had and may never have! The important thing is to live in the present, and not in the past. Tomorrow is a better day.

you just slip out the back Jack,
make a new plan stan,
you dont need to be coy Roy,
just listen to me....

hop on the buss Gus,
you dont need to discuss much!
just drop of the key Lee,
and set yourself free!

Yeah, I know, a cheap rip-off, but ya gotta admit, Paul Simon really had it down cold!!!

My daddy taught me from an early age, if the wantin is all on one side, then the wantin ain't no good at all! Move on...nothing more to say or do.

Sometimes emotional issues can blow up so super huge that its more like a broadway song and dance routine than valid issues. Some b/f breakups get back together when they realize that.

I found this article at the perfect time.
I've been pineing over my last break up for the last 2 months.
I don't date much and I don't give my heart away to just anyone... I did to this one, hole heartly.
Last night it came to a peak. I was driving home and the tears just wouldn't stop. I have cried and cried so much, right when I think I don't have more to give, they start again.
I have internalized everything and feel like it's all my fault. Maybe if I would of done this, or maybe if I wouldn't of done that or maybe if I would of been more handsome... just only... it's been hell and I have found a wonderful therapist and made so many good friends.. it's helped me move further.
Thanks to this article it has helped me put my head back on straight. It helped me "click" on where I should be.
So now, I am moving forward with my singlehoodness and embracing it.... again. I'm in such an amazing point in my life, the last couple of years were bad and I am refocusing my energies on those happy positive things. I have allowed this person take too much power away from me.... I won't allow it anymore.
Thanks for the wonderful article... if it was your journey to at least help one person out here... you did.
Greg